Written By: Jen Chough
The Desperate and Lonely Theorem: Just a couple of adjectives or a chillingly real syndrome
on the brink of pandem-ia?
ABSTRACT:
My best friend and I were talking
tonight about random stuff like "putting the lotion in the basket"
and other such creepy topics. Then we wondered why it was that we have both
dated creepy guys. (Actually, "smarmy" was the adjective that's been
used to describe my ex.) We wondered why we threw our usually high standards
out the window to date these guys who were clearly not our type. Why did we
rationalize that this was okay despite friends giving us the big N - O? And
that's when we began to formulate a theory that might explain the mindset that led
to the behavior: It's because we were desperate and lonely. That's right. She
and I were DESPERATE and LONELY. This sounds unlikely if you've ever met either
one of us (and if you're a guy who hasn't met us yet, please stop reading this,
RIGHT NOW....and give us your number).
THE D&L THEORY:
The D&L Theory postulates the
conditions in which a normally rational woman* with staunchly high standards
regarding her choice in men may willingly sacrifice those standards for someone
considerably sub-par. Subsequently, the same woman will be unnaturally
forgiving of character flaws that would normally be quite unacceptable.
THE PRECIPITATION OF THE D&L
STATE:
Girl meets boy who possesses all
desired traits required by her high standards. Girl falls for boy and everyone
is thrilled. Boy does nothing. Girl waits and hopes. Boy still does nothing.
Girl continues to wait. Boy does a whole lot more of nothing. Girl finally
gives up and is hit with one or all of the following three "'-jections":
1. Objection
2. Rejection
3. Dejection
This quickly degenerates into the
self questioning of the girl's own decision-making process as her self-esteem
quickly plummets to the earth with a general thud. And that is when that mental
period of vulnerability known as the "Desperate and Lonely" or
D&L Window begins.
THE D&L WINDOW:
During the D&L window, the woman
is of a mindset that is clearly different from her usual state. Because her ego
had been kicked in the proverbial balls by her unrequited love interest, she
feels defeated and unwanted. And that is when the D&L predator** appears in
her life, seemingly out of nowhere. He showers her with attention, compliments
her endlessly, says everything she wants and needs to hear, and can do it
without coming off as creepy or stalker-ish. He wants her and he's not afraid
to show it. The woman becomes overly appreciative of all romantic gestures and
attention from guys she would normally never date. She fully absorbs it
because it's everything she never got from the love interest she believed was
best for her. Ironically, the D&L predator possesses none of the traits
that said woman values in a man she would want for herself. If she typically
finds a certain physical attribute attractive in a man, the D&L predator
doesn't have it. If she typically prefers a certain demeanor in a man, he
doesn't have that either. Whatever "type" she's usually interested
in, the D&L predator can be quite the polar opposite. These typically
unacceptable qualities may include the following:
1. Gross obesity
and/or Napoleonic stature
2. Severely
unhygienic practices – i.e. festering dishes in the sink for over a year
thereby cultivating new bacteria otherwise unknown to mankind, trash collecting
for many months on the bed and every corner of the room, not showering for
several days at a time
3. participation
in illicit substance abuse
4. infidelity and
outright lying
5. mismanagement
of money, even in their mid-30's (e.g., being horrifically in debt or not being
able to afford rent)
The major consequence of the
predator's persistent pursuit is the incorrect assumption on the woman's part
that she has the upper hand because he's so clearly into her. But this is a
ruse on the part of the predator that has now lulled the woman into a false
sense of self-esteem. With this newfound (false) confidence, she's not afraid
to voice the values she's looking for in a person and how she envisions a
relationship to be. The D&L predator feeds off of this information and he
begins to assume the traits of that ideal man in whatever way he can. Thus, she
becomes lured into believing that perhaps this man is the person she was meant
to be with since he is willing and wanting to give her the love and attention
she's always deserved, unlike the previous and rightful object of her
affection. He's also seems willing to change, which is another selling point.
THE AFTERMATH OF D&L:
The window is open for an indeterminate
amount of time and is dependent on each woman's specific situation. It could
last 4 months or it may last 4 years. The cause of the window closing is not
certain but it could be one of two factors.
1. The woman
comes to slowly realize the unacceptable traits on her own as, finally,
unacceptable and thus terminates the relationship concurrent to the window
closing. This is immediately followed by pangs of shame and regret for allowing
such a deviation from the standard to occur
2. The predator feels he has obtained what he has needed from the relationship and no longer puts in an effort to keep up his act. Then she is able to see the unacceptable nature of his character, thus closing the window. This is immediately followed by pangs of shame and regret for allowing such a deviation from the standard to occur.
SUMMATION AND CONCLUSION:
While the D&L state may be
unwittingly experienced, it is by no means necessary to employ the D&L
window to its fullest potential. This is solely the responsibility of the
person in the D&L state. The closure of the window must be enacted by a
stimulus other than the D&L predator in order for the sufferer to emerge
from the syndrome successfully and relatively unharmed. For example, it may be
helpful for the sufferer that, while in the state of D&L, they should not
participate in any other romantic endeavors, instead focusing on other interests
or hobbies (i.e. traveling, the arts, watching Oprah, stalking the ideal love
interest's new significant other, listening to Gloria Gaynor or Laura Fabian).
Any other activity will suffice other than pursuing or allowing the pursuit of
another romance while the D&L window remains open.
The sufferer will be able to
acknowledge the closure of the D&L window by some or all of the following:
1. The budding of
self-esteem (i.e. sufferer will be able to eat something other than soup, can
leave one's house during daylight hours…or at all, no longer adverse to putting
on make-up)
2. The feeling of an
almost real and physical haze being lifted
3. Cessation of
former ideal love interest as only topic of conversation
4. Return to
acknowledgment that one's high standards are not to be deviated from despite
initial set back
Once the D&L window has closed,
the subject will naturally return to his or her life in full.
If you or anyone you know is
experiencing D&L, please refer them to this study or contact The Institute
of Negligible Scape Goating at 1-800-Not-Ur-Fault.
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*Let it be known that the gender of
the D&L players may be switched but for the purposes of this study, the
woman was used as the subject of the theory. It has been known to occur that a
woman can be a D&L predator while a man suffers from the state.
** Based on the terminology, there
is a misperception that the D&L predator is a sneaky, conniving, selfish
jerk. And although that may be true, it is important to highlight here that he
is acting only in accordance to his character and he is not intentional in
doing harm. In fact, many times, the D&L predator believes that he is
making some significantly positive impact on the woman's life although,
ultimately, the woman may disagree.
