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The woes and rewards of parenting, so many!

Blog Post #13
By: Lisa H.

I swear being a parent is one of the most difficult jobs on the planet. It can be the most rewarding with hard work…sometimes luck too, but it comes with a lot of fear and anxiety at times.

I worry about my kids 24/7. I have great kids; I know this. I get told how well-behaved my kids are, yet sometimes I think “yikes they just did what?” You know….sometimes your kids do these small, insignificant, embarrassing things that you would laugh at if it were your friend’s child. All-in-all they’re very good.

Those days that Cole calls after school to say he got his name on the board for talking or one of them got a bad grade on something at school feel so bad. A parent can’t help but take it personally. I do anyways, for a bit. Some days I feel bad for days and some days I’m able to think about it, reasonably, and realize it’s not my fault. I try so hard to realize they’re going to have to learn from these mistakes. I have made transitions over the years. I do try to control too much in my life and as I get older I’m realizing that I can’t. So, right at this very second ….. thump thump goes my heart …. our oldest has a D in a class. This is not from not getting it, it’s from messing around and instead of protecting him we’re trying to let him learn. You see, we have a rule in our house. You must have a semester grade of 82% or better to participate in activities outside of school. While it’s good to participate in extracurricular activities, school always comes first. And, while my 2 that get letter grades are more than capable of straight A’s we try not to put so much pressure on them that they give up. Our oldest is the type to do that. I want them to want it. We also pay as an extra incentive, but ONLY for straight A’s, for the entire semester. Chase will bust it to get that money. So far he still has straight A’s for the year.

These are the struggles of being a parent. Trying not to take everything they do or say so personally. Especially, now that we’re entering teen years for one as another enters his tweens. Yikes….all at once! Yes, by the end of the year we will have had 3 major birthdays…we will have a 13, 10, 8, 5 and 2 year old. As I watch other parents discuss the issues they think are so difficult with their 4 and 2 year olds, etc. I think, to myself, they have no idea what’s coming. I thought the same thing when I was at their parenting age. But, with age of the child comes more homework, more parent involvement in some ways while letting go in others, along with more responsibility, emotions, hormones, independence yet quiet neediness. I wouldn’t give up any of it for a second, but it’s a hard balance with work on top of it.

So hopefully, my little talks with each one, one-on-one, continues to be effective, continues to keep the respect from them, etc. Hopefully, if we continue our relationships with them, as we have been, they will continue to talk to us and love us. For now, I have 5 kids that all still give hugs and kisses goodnight and say “I love you” when getting out of the van at school. I’ll take this. And on my very worst days when I feel like a bad mom for whatever may have developed that morning, in our rush, I have my little Jaemin to make me feel better that night and make me feel like someone’s top A lister. So I may have 5 kids with 10 personalities, but I LOVE every second. There are way too many rewards to say it's not worth it!


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Two and 1/2 Months of Our Lives

Blog Post #12
By: Lisa H.

We spent almost 3 months of our lives on a sort of hold just 2 years ago. Having your lives changed in a mere instant is life altering. Not only did we have our lives on hold as we waited with baited breath to find out what was left of our lives, as we knew it, we’re still adjusting. I sometimes feel like the last 2 years of my life has been nothing but adjustment. By the time I began to adjust, somewhat, to Brian’s injury, we had Jaemin coming home unexpectedly. I’m finally adjusting to that, 9 months later, but that’s another discussion.

So, I thought I would share my Caring Bridge site from the days of Brian’s accident. This is start to finish, the journal I wrote in, online, to keep family and friends up-to-date of what was going on, so they could continue to pray for us. This journal also served as my nightly lifeline after my nightly call to Brian, who was an hour away from us. During the weeks he was in the hospital and rehab I had no idea what the rest of my life was going to be like. In fact, the 1st week, especially, I had many, many thoughts of what it would be life if Brian was permanently paralyzed from the neck down and what my life as a caregiver to my husband was going to be like. To say the least it scared the heck out of me. It was so terribly hard on the kids too. They were not allowed in ICU, so they could not see there dad for a week. The last time they saw him was getting loaded into an ambulance. They barely even had mom. For that first few days I had to be with him, so grandma and grandpa stepped in. I was able to make videos of them talking to him for him to see and he made a very short one when he had the energy for them. I had very serious, open, discussions with them every night I came home. We spent every second together.

And to catch you up on where we are today, I’ll give you the summarized version. Basically, Brian walks. It’s not pretty or agile. He can no longer play sports, but he can work in the construction field again, which is better than I can probably do. This accident date was the last time he played sports, and probably forever. He has brown-sequard and central cord syndrome. His right side is a little slower and his left side is pretty much normal range of motion. He cannot feel temperature sensation as well with his left as he can his right. But, we do have a new version of our lives back. We are still adjusting to that new life because it is still changing as time goes on. So everyday can be a new day.
Enjoy the journal. It begins about 1 week after his accident, right as he was finally moved out of the intensive care unit. The accident was on January 14, 2008. It has not been altered. I’m leaving it exactly as it was because I do reflect on it from time to time as my life jacket in the water during that time.

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"Welcome to our Caring Bridge site. It has been created to keep friends and family updated about our Brian. This week has just been the week from %@^^. We’re slowly getting through everything, but it’s difficult. Brian was playing basketball one week ago, as he has for the past 15 years or so, mos Monday nights. He got his legs tangled with another player when he went in for a foul and hit the wall (there was concrete down there and no pads). He was life flighted from there about 1/2 hour later and arrived at the hospital within 15 minutes of lift off. Upon arrival to the hospital, we found he had crushed his C5 vertebrae and fractured his C6 vertebrae. He was supposed to have surgery the next evening because his improvement had plateaued, but he was bumped due to emergencies. In the mean time he, very slightly, improved and the neurologist decided to wait until Friday instead. So for 3 days Brian laid flat on his back letting the trauma to his cord heal a bit and wait for surgery. His surgery went off great on Friday. He now has C4, 5 and 6 fused together. The surgeon, at this point, is thinking he won’t need a second surgery for that fractured vertebrae, but they’ll do another xray in a couple of weeks to make sure the fusion doesn’t slip. So we’re holding our breath. Up until late yesterday, the movement he’s had has been; full usage of his left leg, his shoulders, elbows and wrists. Pray for us all as we go through this and pray for complete healing of my husband and the father of our four children. We all desperately want him back home with us and miss him terribly. Lisa

TUESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2008 10:08 PM, CST
Brian’s right leg began moving yesterday and a little more today. Still no control over his foot or toes on that side, but his knee bends and with a lot of concentration he can move his leg over a little. Still no improvement on his fingers, although he can squeeze just a tiny bit on his left and can now pick up a large roll of gauze. PT and OT came in today finally, since he didn’t get to go to rehab as scheduled and worked him over a bit. He sat up for 25 minutes, which they say is outstanding. They seemed to be very impressed by both what he can do and his determination to do more. I pray that the muscle spasms, tingling, etc. in his non-moving limbs are a good sign as everyone says they are. By the grace of God he never lost feeling, but does feel a little numb in some fingers and toes (furthest extremeties). Everyone says all of this is to be expected. We’re trying to remain optimistic that he’ll be home soon and be able to settle into our lives once again. Please continue to pray hard for him as he goes through this. He will have good times and bad as have I. They’ve told us this is normal and we need to lean on others when it settles in on us. I just want my husband home, but know this rehab is his best chance at regaining functions. Now if insurance would just review the stinking request so he can leave the hospital for the rehab hospital, life would be good. Lisa

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23, 2008 09:07 PM, CST
We got to talk to him tonight. My dad was there and held the phone for him. He said he’s all settled into the center and we should find out next week what the game plan is. Tomorrow is more evaluations and tests and Friday he begins his real work. I asked if there was any improvement and he said he is moving his right leg with a little more strength, but still has no strength to pull his right foot up if it drops. He got to talk to the kids tonight and it does all of us good for that. Chels actually had a little bit of a conversation with him. They did their usual animal sounds together. It’s starting to hit her harder. The rest of us are just trying to pass the days until we can see him. I get to see him alone Friday….at least that’s the plan. So, if you’re reading this and planned to go up Friday night, please don’t. I just want to sit with him alone. The kids will come up sometime this weekend. I’m not sure which day, but they will spend a good amount of time with their dad as they both need. They did tell him today he would walk again. No one’s sure how well, but he will walk. As usual, they say the hands and fingers are the last to come along, so we must be patient, but it IS hard!For now, we just wait for the day when we can all be together permanently and not a disconnected family. Please continue to pray for his progress. We live for these little changes. Lisa

FRIDAY, JANUARY 25, 2008 10:36 PM, CST
As you can imagine the last couple of days have been terribly busy and I try to spend them with the kids and on the phone with Brian. We’re making the most out of little time. As of yesterday, he had a full evaluation and they let him walk with a walker. He said it was really hard and he was mostly stumbling through, but it’s progress nonetheless. His right leg’s muscles are extremely week so they don’t support him very well yet. I got to see him tonight and he looks really good. It’s nice to see him not hooked up to things anymore and sitting up. He’s in a manual wheelchair, which is great. They’re giving him a good work out for him and, in my opinion, a manual means he has a ton of potential or they wouldn’t be doing it. He said he’s pretty darn sore tonight. All of his muscles hurt and he definitely feels them. We’ve probably got a long wait for the nerves to his fingers and toes (on his right foot) to grow back and/or heal. I think he’s learning way more about the body than he ever thought he’d have to know. He was able to give me a hug as soon as I came in tonight and that felt really good. We really don’t do anything other than hold hands and talk, but it so nice to do that. I know he’s hurting in so many ways right now. I know he’s physically hurting and I know he misses us and I know he worries because he knows I’m sad without him. I miss him terribly and it doesn’t seem to get easier.

I’m thankful I have him coming back to me as so many people don’t in worse situations, but at the time it doesn’t feel so good. He’s worried ’cause he knows I can’t eat right now and I’m trying my best, but my nerves are a mess. I try to be strong, but I’m completely exhausted! It’s not easy, even with the help from grandparents, getting kids fed, bathed, house somewhat kept up, bills paid, go to work and try to get time to talk to your husband. I know, again, that there are others who have it worse and I know it’s for the most part temporary, but it’s still my own reality that I have to deal with for now.I had to tell him tonight that I can’t come up alone at night anymore. I want to spend time alone with him, but the drive tonight was hard. I was so tired after work, it was a miracle I made it there and then leaving is hard and even leaving at a decent time, you’re just too tired to drive for an hour. I’ll have to go up with others so I can see him a couple of times a week. I don’t want the weekends with the kids to be it. But, in case anyone was wondering, this is where we’re at right now. Thank you all for your prayers and the unbelievable help we’ve been getting. All of the little things are meaning so much to both Brian and I so we can relieve some stress that we both very much feel. Please keep the prayers coming! Lisa

SATURDAY, JANUARY 26, 2008 09:21 PM, CST
Mom and I brought the kids to see Brian today. They had a hard time sitting around for 4 hours, but I wanted to really let them spend time together. The girls got to sit with him for a bit. I think it did Kae a lot of good. We got to go to one of his therapy visits, which was nice to see what he has to do, but this was a very light one since it was the weekend. I think his right leg is getting very strong, but he said it feels terribly week and definitely cannot support himself on it. I had my leg next to his while he was in his chair and I started knocking my knee against him and he started knocking me back pretty hard. I’ve never seen anyone with a more positive attitude or someone who tries harder to get better. I always knew he was strong. I got to lay in his bed with him for a little bit today and for just a bit I forgot what was going on and everything felt okay. Then when you go home you realize that it’s still the way it is and it does make you a bit sad. After being away from the house for almost two weeks, I worked tonight to get it the way I like it. It makes me feel better. Laundry’s actually almost caught up. Mom has done some laundry while I was gone or the kids wouldn’t have a stitch to wear. I finally set foot in a grocery store for the first time in two weeks. The boys and I just picked up some quick, easy, healthy snacks that won’t go bad. It’s amazing now that Brian’s not here to eat and I’m not eating much how quickly things go bad. Thanks again to everyone’s support. The cards, emails, etc. have been very uplifting. I haven’t had time to get Brian to a computer to let him read, but I hope to this week and I think he’ll be amazed! We appreciate everyone we’ve been able to lean on during this time. We wouldn’t be able to get through it all without you and we love you all for it. Keep up the prayers. They seem to be slowly working and we’ll take all we can get. Lisa

MONDAY, JANUARY 28, 2008 08:35 PM, CST
I will be seeing Brian tomorrow evening (thanks Mic for the ride). I talked to him for a bit today and this evening and he’s doing really well. He made some pretty darn good progress today and though we know progress of this magnitude won’t be a constant we’re extremely thankful for it. He said that when he was walking with the walker at therapy his PT asked him if he was really using the walker. They weren’t so sure he was so she put a safety belt on him and he walked on his own. He said a couple of times it was iffy, but he thinks he walked about 60 feet. He promised he’d count the tiles for me tomorrow. His right knee is hyperextending since he doesn’t have the greatest muscle control yet and his foot still drags, but it’s slowly getting better. He said he’s even got a little more foot and toe movement on his right today. Brian also began getting out of his wheelchair to a standing position on his own, getting in and out of the simulated apartment bed and even on and off the toilet. Soon, he might get to try all of it for real, which is going to be awesome. He said his fingers on his left hand are moving a little more. He has enough grasp to hold a fork without the handstrap. To honor his wife’s wishes he will use the handstrap on his right hand tomorrow to begin trying that. However, they said today he has no triceps on his right side and they can’t feel any muscle movement for what should be pulling his fingers. We’re still hoping something will come back with time, but there’s no given. For his injury, at this level, he has done outstanding. We’re very fortunate for what he has gotten back and as quickly as it has come back. A lot of people who get this sort of movement back takes months to do so….not days. I found out his ASIA score was D, which is unbelievable. That puts him at better odds, which may explain his recovery so far. Please continue to pray as we know they’re working and we’re living for them. His little updates to me (as little as they sometimes are) is what makes my day. When I talk to him for a few minutes my worries don’t feel like they’re quite so overwhelming. I’d like him back, but I know this progress there is going to continue and we have to do without him a bit longer for him. Pray hard….storm the Heavens…..He’ll listen. Lisa

TUESDAY, JANUARY 29, 2008 09:49 PM, CST
I have nothing to update as far as Brian’s progress. He’s pretty much the same as yesterday, but I got to see it. We’re keeping up the hope that someday most of his function will return, but only God knows and we have to trust Him to take care of us. The reason I logged in tonight is to post our little financial miracle. This may not sound like a lot, but it was too ironic not to post. Brian’s car had an antifreeze leak and the week he got hurt was when it was supposed to get fixed. Jay brought the car there for us and we found out it was worse than we thought. The radiator also had a leak. Our mechanic called me today to let me know the car was ready and it was $599.98. Today, and I kid you not, various people gave us cash to help out totalling $600 even. This was just a little reminder to me that He is watching us and will take care of us. I just have to keep my faith even as hard as it’s being tested. Keep praying…..He’s listening. Lisa

THURSDAY, JANUARY 31, 2008 08:08 PM, CST
Nothing major to update. Brian still says he’s getting stronger everyday. He did get some pool therapy yesterday and he said that felt really good and gave his muscles a good burn. Everything from here out is such a wait and see. Wait and see what comes back. Wait and see how strong. We’re all trying to wait patiently. Things on the homefront have been good. We’re getting into a new routine and everyone’s been great about bringing food. I think I have food for the next few days which makes our nights so much easier. The kids are doing good and of course, we have Jay and everyone else to help out. Hopefully the next 3 weeks will go quickly and be very productive for Brian.I taped Oprah today and it gives a lot of hope to hear Kevin Everett’s story. I know his isn’t exactly the same in that they explained his vertebrae were dislocated and Brian’s were shattered, but Kevin’s were higher (C3/C4) and trauma to the cord is trauma….overall. I hope Brian comes out as functional as Kevin. I was really surprised to see the amount of movement Kevin had. Of course, being a football player probably gave him a good up on getting great therapy. Hopefully, the next months of Brian’s will be as good. Keep praying.Lisa

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 02, 2008 06:01 PM, CST
We got to go see Brian today. His fingers on his left hand were amazing. I have to admit I was a little disappointed Tuesday. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I guess when he said they moved I expected a lot more than was really humanly possible. I just wanted it so bad. But, today, they really moved. He could move them individually!His right side (fingers and triceps) are still not responding. They’re going to start trying FES this week and see if his fingers will eventually respond. This electrical stimulation will send a signal to his brain that there are still limbs there that need to move. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t, but we’re remaining hopeful. He looks good and was giving Megan a hard time, so like she said, he’s back to normal. He’s having his annual Super Bowl party tomorrow, just a little smaller and in the hospital. I’m not going, but his buddies are and it will be nice for him. We’ve had some kinks at home as well. You know how it is….when it rains it pours. Our daycare emailed to say she needs the kids picked up by 4:15 daily for awhile and well, that just can’t happen unless I rely on other people daily when I pay her daily for a ’til 5:00. Because of that the kids will be going to Brian’s moms. She has agreed to take them and help us out. I went back to our daycare to get our February check back (for the entire month) and write a new check for two weeks notice and she said we owed her two weeks vacation on top of two weeks notice for vacation she’s never taken in two years. We’ve only been there for 18 1/2 months. Not to mention I have taken off for her to be off. At least now, we know where the kids will be daily and we have no worries. That in itself, is worth a lot.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 04, 2008 08:40 PM, CST
Still no changes as far as what’s moving, but he had his cath removed today. Now, they’re really bladder and bowel training. He’s no longer hooked up to anything, which is great for the chance to have independence again. So far today, his nurse told me he’s done really, really well! Three weeks on a cath is hard on the muscles in the body. He said he asked the PT how far he walked today and she said about 1500 feet. That’s a long dang way. After he walked all that she put him on the stair climber and he said it didn’t kick his butt this time, so he’s obviously getting pretty strong. They did FES therapy on him today. He said his muscles reacted in his fingers and triceps, so we have to just wait and see. Hopefully, one day, they’ll come back, but there’s no way to know. I’m bringing his disability continuation papers up this week for the doc to fill out. That will keep that coming for a bit longer….depending on whether the doc says he’s partially or fully disabled and for how long. We fully trust the doctors there and they seem to know Brian’s potential, so we go with it. In any case, he’ll be home soon and we can get on with phase 2 of our lives with SCI. Lisa

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 06, 2008 09:43 PM, CST
We had a family team meeting today. This included Brian and I, the staff pyschologist, PT (the OT was sick), the attending and the resident, as well as his primary rehab nurse and case manager. We got to ask any questions we had and they told us what they thought so far. His injury is just over 3 weeks old and every one of them are amazed at the progress that has already been made. The doctor said it helps a little that the impace was running (basketball) and not thrown, such as the speed from a car. But, the trauma can be similar. He’s coming out at a fairly quick speed as far as gains. The doctor also told us that 100% recovery is not a reality with SCI, but he feels 90-95 is well within realm of reason for Brian. He felt he was already at 70-75% with still 2 1/2 weeks in therapy to go. He will NOT have to return inpatient. He can continue everything at home because he’s doing so well. He just has to return for some follow up visits. We don’t know the meds or DME products he’ll need yet. They have an idea, but until closer to discharge they have a lot of possible changes. The PT seems to think he’ll need very little as his endurance is very high. Balance needs a little work, but she said it’s improved drastically in the last week. They’re already testing him on uneven walking surfaces and stairs. He rides the stationary 3 miles and still uses the stair climber and other therapies after that. That’s more than I could do. They told us it’s going to be another adjustment when he arrives home because this has been the biggest thing to happen in our lives, but they obviously don’t know us very well. I don’t doubt things will change, but we will make things work. Not to mention the support we have. I doubt everyone has the support we’ve been given over the weeks. Now for the big news. Don’t get your hopes up too far because it’s really early and weak and there’s just no way to know if it will progress, but we think there’s a good possibility. He moved his right fingers last night and more today. I got to see them and his thumb took a lot, but it moved quite a bit. His other fingers are starting to curl when he wants them to a little as well. They thought today his tricep might have moved, but they’re not 100% sure on that one. It could have been his shoulder muscles as they’re extremely strong, but they think it was his tricep waking up. This is big. He has almost every muscle doing at least something and this is very early in the game, so this gain is HUGE!He will have a lot of strengthening to do once he gets home and I have no doubt he will work hard. Hopefully, he can even start driving once his neck brace is removed….that’s what they’re telling us at least. No plans for the future, just day by day. Lisa

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 06, 2008 09:53 PM, CST
Oh, just so anyone who plans to visit knows. He won’t be there on the 16th. We’re taking him out for the day.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 07, 2008 07:08 PM, CST
Little miracles today. Nothing to do with Brian’s progress, but calls I got that made us happy. The girl that normally cuts his hair, called to see if she could cut it while he was in the hospital. She said she’d be in the area anyways and has done this before. That’s great, ’cause he’s late! I had to call Brian’s work to find out what insurance they were going to have in March. The long of the short is that they were getting ready to change companies in February, but due to the accident they kept the coverage for another month to cover his inpatient rehab. We knew this coverage was expensive for his employer so they were going to go ahead and change in March so that’s what his outpatient therapy, etc. would fall under. I called today to get his outpatient stuff going and they are keeping the same insurance for the rest of the year to help us out. This means he’s met his deductible already. Luckily, me and the kids are on mine, so he just has an indivdual deductible, so this is BIG. This was such great news to hear. They are really doing everything to take care of us and a lot of employers would not do this. They, of course, were thrilled when I updated them on his progress. Then, last night I had mentioned to a guy he works with that we need to get Brian a new lab pup for while he’s home for a couple of months to keep him busy and it would be great training/bonding time for a new duck dog. I said I’d been looking for a free one, but hadn’t seen one yet. Chris asked what color and I said black, just like our older one. He called today to tell me that when he walked into clock in there was an email hanging up next to the time cards that said there was a 10 week old black lab that needed a home ASAP or it would be put down. We’re picking him up tomorrow! I hadn’t okayed it with Brian yet, but I called tonight to make sure it was okay and he was thrilled! He’s been wanting a new duck dog for awhile and he said even if he’s not trainable he loves the idea of having a pup around while he’s home. This will be good for all of us and I think the pup needed us as bad as we needed him. So that’s today’s update. A little different than the usual, but it’s interesting to watch God’s work here. It started off so bad and we were all so scared and it’s working things out in different ways. It always has before, I don’t know why I worry sometimes, but I guess it’s human to be scared. God is listening. Lisa

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 08, 2008 09:28 PM, CST
Go to the photos and check out Brian’s therapy for when he gets home. The close up isn’t a great picture, but he’s a great looking pup. He’s gonna love this dog. Lisa

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2008 10:29 PM, CST
We’re dwindling down on visits…YAY! Anita brought me up tonight, but she didn’t lie about going to Sam’s (Mic). He’s getting really excited about our day out this weekened. More excited about busting out next week! He did squeeze my thumb with his right hand as I always have him do…..I don’t let him squeeze with his left anymore ’cause it hurts like you know what. I could actually feel the squeeze with his right this time. He said they’re sure his tricep is starting to work. He can’t completely keep his hand from hitting his head if he raises his arm, but he can control it enough to slow it down. His hand doesn’t look as tired when he opens and closes it repeatedly either. He even wrote a note to me on my Valentine’s card with his left hand. It may have taken him awhile, but it was pretty neat. It was nice to go up on Valentine’s Day. Thanks so Anita for bringing me and Nancy for getting Brian some cards to pick from for me. When it was time to go he walked me to the lobby. Yep, that’s right, no chair. His PT said as long as he’s inside and careful he can go on his own now. He’s got a pretty good gait. Only if you watch real close can you tell that his right foot doesn’t flow as fluidly as his left which is completely natural and when he tries to hard he looks like he’s strutting. I’m still amazed as is everyone at the hospital. They said very few people get these kinds of returns at all, let alone in such a short period of time. He truly has gained so much and has all the hope in the world for what we had to be back. We just have a new found appreciation for life and are just thankful for everything we do have. We are the luckiest people ever. Lisa

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2008 09:23 PM, CST
This is it. Our last night without my husband and the kids’ dad. It was nice having our nightly talk and not worrying about when we’ll talk tomorrow. The weather will probably cause it to take me longer to get to him, but he’s packed and ready to go. The kids are so ready to see him home. No more small talking with him. I can just see him and get tired of him like before. Send him on his way fishing….that’s as sportsman as I’m gonna be letting him get for awhile. I think we have everything as prepared as we can right now. Amy made us some soup and Jay’s mom made us some lasagna, so we’re good with food for a bit and Brian’s aching to get into the kitchen again. We have a hog in the freezer now, so finally we have food again. I just have to stop tomorrow and get him some night lights for the bathrooms, so there’s not tripping around the house. I can’t think of what he called the test, but he got a 55 out of 56. I think it means he’s basically staple to sit and stand/function on his own. He said the nurse has all his paperwork ready to go, so hopefully as soon as I get there….shortly after anyways, I can spring him. Thanks for all the prayers we’ve gotten here from around the states. We’ve truly appreciated them. Now just pray that I can get him home safely in this nasty weather tomorrow. Lisa

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2008 09:31 PM, CST
BTW, I just added a picture from the hospital….not rehab, so it’s about 1 month old. I’ll eventually get a new picture of him up and about….even if it is with the neck brace still.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2008 03:30 AM, CST
We made it home safely. It took a little bit longer to drive since the passing lane wasn’t cleared at all and then it started snowing again, but it really wasn’t too bad……it wasn’t icing, right. We didn’t get back to town until about 11:30, by the time he said good bye to all of the staff and we got every bit of paperwork we needed to go on. When we got back he wanted to go to work and say thank you for all they’d done and that took a bit. We went to DMV and got a handicap tag for the bad days. Then we went to Target to try to fill his scripts….oh my was that a mistake. They’re usually super quick and we had to go there to get him a yoga ball and weights anyways, so we thought it made sense….wrong. They told us they were behind when we got there even though the scripts had been there for over 2 hours. We went and picked up the stuff we needed and came back and waited some more and finally she says “oops….we ran out of labels”.

They had no idea when they would get the problem fixed and if you have no labels they can send you home with a prescription. So we asked for the scripts back and went to Gerbes. Brian waited in the car this time. He was pretty tired. It only took 1/2 hour there to drop off and wait, so that wasn’t near as bad as I thought they’d be. They’re usually terribly busy. So we were able to get our groceries we absolutely needed first. We had so much stuff to put away when we got home. We weren’t done with everything until 4:00. It just felt nice to get all of his stuff from the hospital back in it’s place and begin settling in. We couldn’t even get out of our driveway once we got home. It had snowed enough after I left in the morning to make our driveway bad enough to need shoveling to get out since it’s so steep. Not to worry….I just called Joe and he picked the kids up and brought them to us. Thanks Joe! We had a nice easy night. We put the lasagne that Mary made in the oven, cleaned up and were able to lay around and enjoy the evening. No late phone call to the hospital. That was so nice. It’s good to be home. We’ll see what each new day brings. He’s still got quite a bit of work on that right side.

Other than having quite a lot of function in his left leg he has pretty typical Brown Sequard Syndrome. Hopefully the new hand therapist he’ll get next week can help him out, but they don’t have FES treatment, so he won’t have that advantage. The doctor also gave us paperwork to read over about a drug in clinical trials, but I’m not sure yet. We haven’t had time to read the info and when it’s still in clinicals, they don’t know ALL the side effects yet and will those be worse than the alternative of the function he doesn’t quite have. That’s what the drug is meant to help with and he said it’s showing to be pretty promising, but there’s always a trade off….almost always. They said it doesn’t matter if we wait and decide or do it now, the results should still be the same, so we’ll probably wait and see what comes back with a little more time. 5 weeks post-injury isn’t long.

Most of what you’ll get back can still very easily happen for another 2 months and then you can still get some more for another year. We’ll probably see how we feel about the drug in 2 months or so and how his finger function is. That’s really the only major things that’s left as far as what the drug will help and he just got them back a little over a week ago, so he can progress yet on his own. I’m not a big drug person unless the alternative to not taking it is worse, but that may not necessarily be the case for him since he’s doing so well. Also, I know they say it’s good to have the spasms, but sometimes I wish he were healed enough for them to go away. I hate watching him freeze up everytime he gets up for the first time and watching his hand and leg and back on his right side just stiffen up. I hate thinking that it might hurt at all. I know that’s nothing considering, but I so badly want to see him better. Thanks again for the prayers. We’re together again and the kids are thrilled! Chels wouldn’t hardly let him go last night. It was great! BTW, I thought this was kinda funny. You can never get your kids to do anything for you and our 11 year old is no different, but he was so anxious for dad to come home that when I got up yesterday morning at 6:30 he had already gotten up and salted our driveway so I could get the van out. How good is that?! Lisa

SATURDAY, MARCH 01, 2008 09:36 AM, CST
Brian’s been home one week. We are starting our own routine. It’s so nice to have another parent in the house again….and adult. He started outpatient therapy this week and it should continue through March. We’re not sure after that. He may be well enough to do exercises at home. Hopefully, in the next couple of months he will return to work part-time. He wants to badly, but he gets tired pretty quickly. He has to build his stamina back up. That’s probably the hardest part right now. On another good note, right before he came home his aunt and uncle were nice enough to process a hog for us. We needed one pretty bad as our freezer was empty! We’re still getting cards from folks which is so nice. Even the kids’ school gave us a card and a gift card the other night when I took Kae up there for kindergarten round up. We never in a million years expected this, nor have we expected any of the extreme kindness we’ve received over the past 2 months. We really are doing okay now and things will be okay. We know that. We just have to adjust our lives to the event. Adjust to Brian walking very slowly, not writing (very well anyways and slow), some pain and spasms, etc. Things that do keep him from the life he had, but we will adjust and have been. Hopefully, it will get much better as far as his abilities, but you can never know an dwe’re taking what we’ve got and thankful for it. Lisa

TUESDAY, MARCH 04, 2008 07:06 PM, CST
Brian had his follow up visit with the surgeon. It’s about 6 weeks or so post surgery and about 7 weeks post accident. This is the first time the surgeon has seen him in about a month. He was pretty darn impressed to see this many returns in 7 weeks. We also asked if he could drive and/or if he needed any sort of evaluation first, but he said he definitely is fine to drive. So he drove us home today. That was “my” little drivers test for him. He did fine, btw. Brian’s pretty excited to be able to drive already. We were thinking closer to May. He also got his neck brace off already. That one really surprised us. He said he still has to be pretty careful and if his neck gets tired or anything he needs it back on for a bit, so we’re keeping it around. He can’t put his head too far down and isn’t supposed to make any sudden side to side movements yet, but he can start building up the strength in his neck muscles. Brian says he has a pencil neck now. This is good to have another parent that can run some errands, of course he has to abide my “my” rules for a bit. I’m a little over protective, I know, but oh well. Lisa"

**

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How does she do it?

Blog Post #12
By: Lisa H.

How is she so terribly and utterly happy 99% of her little life? My daughter Chelsi IS just that. She is one the most, perpetually, carefree and joyful children I have ever known. She rarely gets upset. Even when big sister pulled her hair this morning (for no reason), she happily accepts her apology.

If I could only be like her. I aspire to be like her. She is nice and sweet and cheerful all the time. While I realize she is only 4, she is more mature and knowledgeable for her age than some adults. She is exactly a daughter I could only dream of. My little cuddle bug, reading, articulate, kind, beautiful amazing daughter.

I have five children and of the 5 she is without a doubt my happiest and has just always been that way. She smiles and it lights up a room. She talks in her small voice and everyone listens. She turns heads just by the energy she carries with her.

I could learn from her and I hope I do.

I am thankful Chelsi is my daughter. These are just some random thoughts I had tonight as she accepted Kaelin's apology and sweetly giggled, as usual, all night long. She reminds me every second of my life how fortunate I am on even the worst days.

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Adoption Myths

Blog Post #8
By: Lisa H.

I think there are many preconceived ideas about adoption and adoptive parents/adoptive families. While these aren’t true for every person out there, they do exist. So I wanted to debunk some of the 'myths', so to speak, that I know others have thought, I may have at one time thought or experienced.

Myth/Perception #1 - "You pick your child."

Truth #1
In some adoption programs you do, indeed, pick your child. One of the ones I'm aware of is Russia. You go to the orphanage and literally select a child. I'm glad this was not the way the Korean program worked. With the Korean program, you are offered the referral (or paperwork assignment) for a child. With our 3, there have never been photos involved until we felt able to say yes based on the paperwork; which contains what medical history they have, etc. A Russian adoptee actually stopped me one morning after church, shortly after our oldest daughter arrived home, and told me that we picked such a cute baby and a good one. I just smiled because there was no way she could have known the Korean program was so different than the Russian program she was adopted through.

Myth/Perception #2 - "Adoption is only for the rich."

Truth #2
If that were the case there would be few adoptive families. I have no doubt that there are plenty of adoptive families that are, by my standards, wealthy. But, most of the ones I know are about where we are; some a little higher income and some a little lower. We both work full-time and are considered middle class and probably lower to middle class at that. But, most families like ours, that adopt, have found ways to afford it and are generally pretty good with budgeting, so we do not have a problem raising our children, it's coming up with upfront funds to adopt. Of course, there are also grants available for lower income families, especially if it's a special needs child you are adopting. We qualified twice through Show Hope for this and have done what’s necessary to come up with the funds to bring our children to us. Most parents make sacrifices for their children whether biological or adopted. We are no different.

Myth/Perception #3 -  "People adopt to save a child."

My Truth #3
Not, regularly the case. Social workers must do a thorough interview and background check on any prospective family. They always ask the motive for adoption. You must actually 'want' another child to love and raise and be there for. They're pretty careful and ask what some would consider very intrusive questions. But, they're not working for the adoptive family; they are working for the adopted child. So, while some people do or have adopted because they're trying 'not to put more people on the Earth and these little ones already exist, so why not' or 'I need to save them from the life they have', I don't think that's the majority or the original motivating reason in doing what you do to adopt. The amount of paperwork, interviews, investigations and legal proceedings is unbelievable and I can't imagine it being worth it for those reasons to adopt.

Myth/Perception #4 - "Parents/families can't/won't love adopted children the same as biological children."

My Truth #4
Parents do love children the same. I know you say that can't be proved. So, if you don't take my word for it, that's fine, but I along with many other adoptive families do not feel any different about the children that came to us by way of adoption. Does that mean prior to making the decision to adopt some don't worry about that? No. We all are human and have humanly fears. Some of the most important pieces and processes of adoption is asking yourselves the hard questions and being truthful with yourself as well as the social worker when the time comes. This helps us determine if adoption is truly the best route to build our family or not.

Myth/Perception #5 -  "Adoption can take years up years."

Truth #5
While adoption can take years upon years, there are plenty of exceptions and variances. Whether domestic or international these variances occur. They are varied, mostly, as to what kind of situation and child you are open to. Unfortunately, with domestic; race can make a difference. If you are open to biracial or African-American children your process can go quicker. If you adopt privately and you have a higher income you may be selected by a birth mother quicker. Sometimes, in domestic adoption, whether you're looking for an open adoption or not can make a difference. With both, if you are open to unknowns or known medical issues your adoption could go quicker. From our experience, medical made a huge difference. The 1st time our wait time was supposed to be 8-14 months. We were called for our daughter's referral at 4 months after our home study was completed.

The 2nd time, our wait was supposed to be 6-12 months. We knowingly and purposely went into the waiting child program. We knew we would just wait for a child that was deemed special needs by Korea and were not looking for a 'perfectly' healthy child. In our minds; that doesn't exist anyways. We were called with her information before our home study even left for Korea. We had, literally, no wait. With our 3rd adoption, there was no wait at all. Since we were not planning on any other children and they called us with one of our daughters' brother, we hadn't even started. So it was like being in negative time. He was the only one that was a so-called 'healthy' referral for us. Today, adoptions from China and Korea can take 2 years or more from start to finish. Our longest was 1 year from start to finish and our shortest was 2 months start to finish.

Myth/Perception #6 - "Adoption agencies only care about their bottom line."

My Truth #6
I'm sure some do only care about their bottom line and not the children to be placed. We have used 3 agencies, personally, and have never felt that way. Especially, with our 2nd adoption. When we went through the waiting child program we had to fill out an in-depth questionnaire regarding her needs and how we were prepared to handle all of the possibilities stemming from those needs. On top of this we had to formally be interviewed to determine if we were a fit for her. Key words being 'we were a fit FOR HER'. It was definitely all about her. I'm thankful for upstanding agencies.

Myth/Perception #7 - "Adoptees have no need to be told they're adopted."

My Truth #7
In my opinion, as well as many specialists in the psych field, they do. They should be told the truth and not be ashamed of being adopted. By withholding this information there is the perception to the child that the parents or family are ashamed of their adoption. Here in the United States, there is little reason to hide it since adoption is a very acceptable way to form a family. With international it's fairly obvious...in a lot of cases, but not so much with domestic. That doesn't make it any less necessary. I actually ran into a woman in a store who had a son for Guatemala. I quietly told her he was beautiful and she said 'thank you, I haven't told him he was adopted yet, so I appreciate you being quiet'. He was like 5.

Myth/Perception #8 -  "Birth parents are bad because they didn't keep their child."

My Truth #8
While, I'm sure there are some that exist, who placed their child for adoption purely for selfish reasons, I have trouble believing that they are the majority. These women bring these children into the world because either they're too late for abortion or can't fathom the idea. And they decide that the best thing for their child is a loving and stable home. I guess, I personally, cannot find anything to negate the love my children's birthmothers must have for their children. For whatever reason they were in the situation they were in and chose to make the best decision they could at the time.

Myth/Perception #9 - "When you pay thousands of dollars to adopt a child you are buying that child."

Truth #9
First of all, how would anyone like to be regarded as a human asset? My children are not my property. They are my children. When we pay fees, we know exactly where they are going. They are itemized by each agency. You have to pay so much for a home study, post placement, legal work, etc. by that agency. Then you also pay a fee to the foreign country. The fee to the foreign country uses those fees to care for the children you adopt as well as others who may not be adopted. You pay for legal work overseas, health care, stipends for foster mothers, etc. These are the majority of what international adoption costs.

Please note that when I say ‘My Truth’ these are strictly what knowledge I have gained after participating in groups of adoptive families, speaking with adoptees and being in the process for adoption for 8 years. I have also been an adoptive parent for 7 years. I do not have in-depth knowledge of domestic policies, so unless I state that specifically, most of this applies to international, as that is the world I live in.

Adoption can be a very positive experience. If you educate yourself and go into it as open-minded as you can. I can’t imagine how closed my world would be today without my 3 youngest blessings.

If you have questions about the ‘truth’ of adoption and I can answer it, I would be happy to. If I am not knowledgeable enough to do so I will inform you of that as well. Please feel free to leave a comment with your question. If they are too personal, I will respond as such to protect my children.

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Adoption Losses for Some Adoptive Mothers

Blog Post #9
By: Lisa H.

Most know that, of the adoption triad (birth family, child, adoptive family), the first two experience huge losses. The birth mother (as well as birth father, etc. in some cases) relinquishes their child to possibly never see them again. The adopted child is at the mercy of all adults involved. They have no choices, so I feel they experience the most loss. That loss is not only their birth family, birthland, etc.; it's control. They have never had control of the situation. And even when they are old enough to take some control, such as searching for their birth family, they run the risk of possible rejection by the birth family due to many varying reasons (including the impact it could have on the birth mother's current life). They may even feel guilty over that control they can finally take if their adoptive family is not 100% supporting them in their need for this.

Adoptive parents don't incur quite the same loss, but some do incur loss. This loss, sometimes, is what brings them to adoption; loss of not having birth children themselves. Some adoptive mothers will harbor this loss their whole lives. They will never forget or let go of what they feel robbed of.

We all have our times where we just need to grieve a loss. Not just a human loss, but a loss to the change in our lives. I grieved when my husband lost a lot of movement after his spinal cord injury accident. I'm still grieving in a way...2 years later. That's healthy and normal, it's just so important that we get through it. Even a mother grieving the loss of children she may never give birth to is something you need to get through at some point. It may take a couple years for one woman and many for another, but I pray at some point all mothers in this situation see that it was not a burden or a bad thing.

I, too, felt a loss at one time. I thought birth was the only way to have children and I wanted lots when I was a child. When I found out I had a genetic translocation I thought I had been robbed of that dream. I know I am fortunate that I even got to experience birth, but it was not without sacrifice. We knew we were running the risk of a child with problems and we came to know that risk, first-hand, when our first daughter was taken from us due to this. It took years from the time I found out about the translocation to not be so sad when friends or others around me were pregnant. I was so jealous in so many ways, but too embarrassed to admit it.

We finally realized that adoption was not just for the wealthy and well-off families. We finally realized that you did not have to be childless to adopt. We only came to know this by reaching out to those that had been down the road before us. After our daughter came home from South Korea, I began letting go of my guilt for the translocation and my hurt for the loss of our daughter and the family I thought I would have. I realized, the family I had after our daughter arrived was even better. And our 2nd daughter and our youngest son arriving home from Korea were the icing on my cake. I have, now, completely and utterly let go of the hurt. I'd say within the past 2 years or so I've felt completely and utterly at peace with my life and how it worked out to build our family. I still get a little misty on the day she was taken from us and sometimes get grouchy without even realizing the day, but her due date is no longer sad. We're usually
celebrating our daughter's birthday on that day, so it's a happy day.

So, back to my initial subject and adoption losses for some adoptive mothers. Some adoptive mothers also suffer losses, but it's important that we find our ways through them. When we adopted the first time our social worker asked me, point blank, if I was over the loss of our daughter. I told her I was 'getting through it', but that kind of loss is not something you 'get over'. She was fine with that. She knew I was working to get through my past losses. I hadn't just lost the idea of another child, I had lost a child. But, we as adoptive mothers need to find happiness eventually. We have to be able to see that we got the long end of the stick, every time. All lives have tough times, but we still got the best part of this triangle and if we can never accept our losses can we ever expect our children to?

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Never thought I had more room

Blog Post #10
By: Lisa H.

In my heart, while I thought maybe down the road we would possibly adopt again I think I felt safe in knowing that Brian would say no. I think it was my fail-safe that was going to keep me from going with my emotions instead of my head.

Who would have thought that maybe I had these feelings and emotions for a different reason. Maybe that reason was because there was a plan for one more and the sibling call we received was just the way I needed it to be so I didn't feel like I was taking control of the situation and therefore could be to blame if it (the adoption process) crushed our finances along with anything else possible.

Brian was so ready to say yes when we got that call. I was thrilled it was a boy, but scared to death. Really scared of starting over with; another child, our finances, daycare and leave time at work again. I'm so glad we jumped in and took that leap. Today, just 11 months later I can watch this little joy (I mean boy) run around my living room. I can enjoy his hugs and kisses, as well as the sweet way he rubs my face. I can hear his hoarse little laugh when I push him on his car.

I never thought I'd get to enjoy another little boy. I thought that dream of a sweet black-haired little boy was just that. I get the joy of being his mom, the thrill of being his mom and intense love in my heart from being his mom. I had plenty of room in my heart. The house may have been a little stuffed and is definitely now, but I now know my heart will always have room.

I love you my angel.


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My Fave Three Boys

Blog Post #7
By: Lisa H.

My 3 boys love to spend time together. While the older 2 fight inconsistently consistent, I know the love is there. Jaemin is only 1, so they both LOVE him. They tote him around anywhere we'll allow. We have to fight for time with him because they snatch him quickly if we even remotely look busy....they use it as an excuse against us. If they even tease Jaemin to tell him they're going to the playroom without him he cries. He wants to go with his big brothers so bad. Of course, they always give in. I'm happy to say that if mommy comes up to her little man and asks if he wants me he will come back....if they're NOT going to the playroom.

I always wonder what their relationship will be like when they get older. Since the middle boy, Chase, is 8 years older than baby boy Jae will they still have a great relationship as the grow? My sister and I did, though that relationship ebb and flowed, as we got older and changed as we matured. I hope theirs does the same. I hope the two oldest become best friends and I hope the 3 of them have lots of things to laugh about together as they talk about growing up

I just love my 3 browned eyed boys!

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What language does your family speak at home?

Blog Post #6
By: Lisa H.

Obviously, since we were born and raised, we speak English. However, with my growing interest and time spent learning Korean other family members are learning pieces as well. So, from time-to-time, we speak Konglish.

I was looking through my dictionary to translate my learning partner sent to me and came across the word 'fart'. I thought my 4 year old Chelsi would get a kick out of being able to say it in Korean, so I told her what it was. Then, of course, big brothers HAD to know how to say 'fart' in another language. Brian, my husband, walked in and said if they knew how to say 'fart' in Korean he wanted to learn how to say 'mouse' in Korean. I told him how to say mouse and that is what Miss Chels is now called by daddy. She wanted, then, to learn how to say 'dad' in Korean. She's heard it before, but couldn't remember. I told her how to say it. Now, all I've heard all night is "bye appa", "what are you doing appa?" and so on. Then, she looks at me and says "hi omma". She knew very well what she was saying on that one.

Onto saying something that makes a little more sense. I've been trying to teach her how to say 'my name is Chelsi'. She doesn't quite have it yet, even though I'm giving her the simplified version.

More Konglish, I'm sure is to come in our house as mommy keeps trying to trudge on and learn enough to make some sense.


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Uses For Baskets

Blog Post #5
By: Lisa H.

Jaemin discovered how fun it is to sit in the toy basket a few nights ago. Then, we found out it was more fun to empty the toy basket and get inside and read our book there. He could have sat in there for a VERY long time. He loves getting inside things. The wagon from Christmas is still in the living room because he loves sitting in it so much. This basket has made it through SO much. It actually contained odd and end baby items as a shower gift for Cole 13 years ago. It was Chase's favorite place to sit too....8 years ago. And well, Jaemin has found a new use for it, though I did not snap a picture because it would have been too dangerous. It was on it's side...you know...not real steady and Jae decided to climb on it. And, yeah, he got all the way up off the floor.

I have made it through my oldest 4 not breaking any bones or getting any stitches, other than the surgical kind and this little guy is going to be the one to make up for them all. NO FEAR!

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Funny Bunnies

Blog Post #4
By: Lisa H.

The girls wanted their picture taken since I was messing with the camera, a few weeks ago. I told them to give each other bunny ears, assuming they both knew what that meant since big brothers do it all the time. Well, apparently, Kae knew what it meant and she gave bunny ears to Chels, but Chelsi gave them to herself.

Too cute!

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