Mommy - Blog & Shopping

My aspirations as a photographer

for my own little troop of 5 anyways.  I had always been interested and loved taking photos.  When I was a kid in 4-H I took photography class for a few years.  I learned about F stops, etc. on my dad's old Minolta.  As a teenager and adult I only had compact cameras and outside of calls I didn't get to use dad's camera.  And, of course, when he moved out when I was 16 it was pretty much impossible.

I've always taken a ton of photos; especially when we became parents.  By 2000 when I had our 2nd son the dawn of the digital age was going strong and we took the leap to buy a digital camera and link up to the internet.  I've been photo crazy ever since.  In just 10 years I'm on my 5th camera, but it's finally a DSLR.  Not my dream DSLR, but I'm really happy with it since DSLR quality is tops over compact.  Compact has it's pluses too.  It's pretty much one of the cheapest Canon's you can buy, but I won't bore you with those details.  By the way, we still out all of the other cameras.  My two oldest boys have two of them, I keep one in my car (just in case) and the other has a movie mode that I love, so I still use it.  No waste then. 

I've taken boat loads of pictures with these cameras.  My goal, aside from taking great snapshots, is to take all the portraits for our kids and eventually save some money.  I'm not great, but not bad either.  I've only taken the kids somewhere for formal pictures a handful of times in the last 13 years, so not too bad.  But, I want to be the one to take their senior pictures, so I'm starting now.  I've spent under $2,000 getting the camera, lenses, basic backdrops, flash, etc.  I figured just a few years worth of pictures and I have the money made up.  My mother in law insists on 8x10 pictures every year anyways and the school charges $25/child for the smallest package.  This, again saves money.

So, I took these pictures without the backdrops and lighting that will soon be at my door.  But, they're still not bad.  I'm so excited because I just itch to take pictures and while I LOVE outdoor photos the weather doesn't cooperate often enough.  Wish me luck on my long awaited hobby.  And hopefully, I'll get a few people wanting me to take some of theirs too so I can afford one more prime lens.  Woohoo!

 

She found what she enjoys!

I realize it may not last forever, I mean she's only 4, right?  But, she does like it.  We tried soccer and she was less than impressed all season.  And after her saying that she didn't like gymnastics after just one night, well, I was worried.

Turns out she loves gymnastics.  As we walked to the car tonight she proclaimed that gymnastics is "great"!  She gets to do all the things she loves the whole time and she wants to come back more than once per week.  I'm so glad she found something she enjoys.  And she looks darn cute in that little leotard!  On a funny note there, I bought the leotards from another adoptive mom who was selling her daughter's.  I had to buy the kind with shorts built in because we had one for dress up that had the swimsuit type bottom and little, modest, Chelsi said it showed her butt and she was appalled by it!  That's my conservative girl...dress wise...I'm proud and dad is relieved.

On a quick side note...I'm fine!!  YAY!

Lisa

Korean Adoption

Blog Post #21
By: Lisa H.

Here is something I wrote a little over 3 years ago. It was right when Korea changed the rules for international adoption.

"I rarely say much about this. All-in-all I think it's a great step for South Korea and their children.

Now that being said, I know this article is old, but this part of it bothers me some;

"While adoption is considered as a way to carry out spirit of noblesse oblige or giving help to society abroad, Koreans tend to choose adoption for getting pure joy of rearing children,''' said Cho Min-hye, an official at the Mission to Promote Adoption in Korea."

I believe, and this is only my opinion, that the vast majority of adoptive parents abroad do not at all view adoption, from any country, as "noblesse oblige or giving help to society abroad". Yes, there is publicity on occasion of the Hollywood folks adopting and mentioning this, but most of us 'regular' families do not view adoption in that regard.

To be honest, our family has NEVER viewed the adoption of our two South Korean born daughters as saving a child or helping anyone. The only way we've viewed it is that we prayed for more children, couldn't have them biologically anymore due to reasons of a personal nature, and we truly believe they just happened to be born in Korea. We love our daughters as much as we would if they were biologically born to us. And yes, as any other family who continues to give birth to additional children, we wanted more for the joy of raising them.

I hope that the wonderful people living in South Korea, our daughter's homeland and a piece of our hearts, understand the reasons behind most adoptions abroad. They are, very much, for the love of our children as they are, "our children"."

I wrote this on the heels of coming changes to Korean adoption in 2007. After we adopted our second daughter Korea felt it was better for children to not be referred abroad until they were 5 months old. This, they felt, would give the babies time to be adopted by Korean families, domestically. The rate of Korean adoptions, within the country, was rising so it made sense. Supposedly, this rule was not going to apply to special needs children. They were going to be allowed to be referred inter-country, sooner than 5 months, because children considered special needs had an extremely low rate of adoption within Korea. I’ve seen very few that were allowed to be referred prior to 5 months, special needs or not, over the past 3 years. There are now articles from Korean newspapers such as this one http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/nation/2010/02/117_60790.html

Adoption is second best for the children. It’s best, if possible, to remain in an intact family, but there are so many things that keep this from happening. It doesn’t matter what country, it’s just the way it is. It probably is best for children to remain in their birth country. I honestly don’t know. I’ve never read an article from an adult domestic adoptee. The truth is that children are adopted from the US to other countries as well. It depends on acceptance. Sadly, media shows they are African-American children as the majority. But, maybe it isn’t so sad if they find the home and country they are accepted in, by their family and for the interracial family that they may now exist in? There’s no hard-fast, right or wrong. In the end, all that should matter is what’s best for the kids. Once they are relinquished for adoption it becomes about the child.

So, if a child is determined to have potential special needs or does have existing special needs and statistics are showing that they will not be adopted within the country, is it best for them to be referred to another country where there are ample families ready and waiting with the ability to care for and love that child? I think so. Healthy babies are adopted domestically. So, is that best for the child…I think so. I think the point is to find a baby/child the best possible family for them as quickly as possible. The quicker they are adopted the more time for adjustment for the child to the new family and possible environment. Stopping adoptions scares me honestly. This is what Korean government is discussing and has been for some time. What if this causes babies/children to remain in orphanages after relinquishment because there aren’t enough foster homes to go around? This is not in the best interest of a child. It’s never been in
the best interest to grow up in an institution anywhere. While, I hope that more children are adopted domestically and the barriers that prevent or discourage this are torn down, I hope that the children who are not chosen do not suffer for it and still find their forever families as quickly as possible. Sadly, as my own country has not found a good solution to this, I’m not sure it’s possible. I hope Korea finds a better solution to children without parents than the US. Our foster care system leaves something greatly to be desired and I don’t, honestly, feel it is always geared towards the best interested of the children.

These, of course, are just my opinions, but as an adoptive parent that greatly loves her children I can’t imagine any one of them staying in Korea and living their lives out in an orphanage purely because they were (2 were determined) determined special needs and therefore not allowed, in essence, to be adopted. I pray that Korea still holds the importance of keeping biology intact, if possible. I can’t imagine that just because international adoptions halt, biological siblings may not have the chance to be together as ours were kept together. I cry just thinking about my baby boy not being here for me to have the honor of loving and he and his sister being together everyday of their lives. They get to know each other and I am beyond thankful to Korea for this and putting our children first after relinquishment. He is our only child that would be considered healthy, so they only thing that may have prevented him from being adopted domestically
was being a boy.

The last time, a couple of years ago, we went to a university event for Asian Affairs we were cornered by a Korean man who was there with his wife, who was a visiting scholar to the university. The president invited us as he is Korean-American and the barbeque was open to anyone Korean, including our children. When he cornered me he began raising his voice at me for stealing Korea’s children….our daughters. He saw that we already had two biological children and didn’t feel it was necessary for us to take the girls too. I tried to explain that they were born with special needs and what Korea considered issues and were not deemed adoptable in country. But, on the outside, our girls appear perfectly perfect. No one knows all the things that caused them to be labeled this way in Korea. We don’t give out all the details of our girls because they are theirs. I guess the point is that it’s hard for us too.

Adoption can be such a balancing act. Balancing what is best for the kids and actually making it work. I can’t imagine a country that doesn’t struggle with it. It’s too difficult of a situation not to. I just hope that, in the end, all children find what makes them happy.

Korea's Questions and Answers

Blog Post #20
By: Lisa H.

The first time, and so far only time, I’ve set foot on Korean soil was in May 2009 when my friend and I brought my daughters to Korea to pick up my son. Our daughters arrived in the United States via agency escorts. This was a trip our 7 year old and I had talked about making since she was 3, so we could experience it for the first time together.

Downtown Seoul, Korea

She has always talked about Korea. She and I even set up a savings account to throw a little money in here and there, to save to go. We planned to go before she was a teenager and we would need all those years to save. When we got the call that our daughter had a little brother in Korea we emptied that travel account to pay for our adoption trip instead.

Kaelin has always talked about her thoughts of her Korean mother very openly. She has always asked questions. “What does she look like?”, etc. All of the questions you might wonder if you had never seen the woman who gave you life. Our 4-year-old daughter had never questioned Korea, her life there or her Korean family. To her, I think, we were all that was concrete: we loved her, we adopted her, we were her forever family.

We have always openly discussed whatever they wanted to talk about regarding their adoptions. Sometimes we opened up a conversation that may or may not end quickly, depending on what the girls decided. Sometimes Kaelin opened up the conversation. Never was it Chelsi. We have also talked about their Korean foster mothers. They have pictures of them and their life together in Korea, so I think it was easier for them because they could see their life in color.

The thing that surprised me most about our wonderful trip to Seoul was what happened after we got home. For Kaelin, it seemed to have answered questions. She quit talking about Korea so much. I think, for her, it was this place that may or may not exist and people that may or may not exist. Going there answered the thoughts in her head. She used to confuse her foster mother and Korean mother. She now understood the difference. Chelsi finally opened up some conversations about her adoption after our trip. I think she kept more of her thoughts inside and the trip made things real enough to talk about. It was a great thing for both of them.

While we were there we made arrangements, ahead of time, to visit with the women who cared for them while they waited for us; their foster mothers. Each agency took great care to make these visits possible. I begged them to find Kaelin’s because it would have broke her heart to not have seen her, but been so close. And even though Chelsi was completely reserved through her visit she talks about it nonstop now. Kaelin sang the Three Bears song to her foster mother and they hugged and she shed some happy tears to see this little girl she loved so much, 6 years later. It’s not all that often these foster mothers get to see these babies again. Chelsi’s foster mothers said that in the 6 years she has fostered, and 12 children, Chelsi is the 2nd to visit. They both, amazingly, remembered small details of the girls’ time with them. It was a great opportunity to see these women I had never met or thanked them, in person, for loving my girls. It
was great to verify that the letters I make sure to write every year are being received. Kaelin’s foster mother even apologized for never responding over the years, but thanked us for writing so she could see pictures and know that Kaelin was doing well. This made all those letters so worth it for me to write. She gave me all I needed to continue writing those letters and sending pictures every year. And, I know our trip meant a lot to these women as well. This past Christmas, for the first time, Kaelin received a Christmas card from her foster mother. It completely made her day to get that card all the way from Korea. Chelsi had received a note from her foster mother about a year after she came home, I have been able to email Jaemin’s foster sister and write his foster mother (direct to their home), but Kaelin never had anything, until now.

You see we all got what we needed, at the time, out of that trip. Besides bringing home a son and little brother, Kaelin and I got questions answered, Chelsi got concrete evidence of her past to give her the ability to talk about it and Kaelin had some voids filled.

We are planning to return to Korea as a family of 7, if we can afford it in a few years. We are saving every month now. The girls had such a wonderful time that Chase is now super excited about the trip too. We hope to go before our littlest man goes to school and our oldest graduates from high school….all in the same year. I find myself daydreaming about this trip already. Praying we get the chance to meet with all three foster mothers again. Looking forward to smelling and hearing sweet Seoul again. There’s nothing I don’t look forward to about Korea except the cost of going. It’s a trip of a lifetime for our family to make together. One that all of us look forward to and since the kids will be a few years older when we go I have no doubt new questions will again be answered.

Deoksugung Palace



Korean Folk Village Pots, Korea



Korean Folk Village Girls on Teeter, Korea

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The mistakes I've made

Blog Post #19
By: Lisa H.

I know I have so much further to go as a mother, but I have learned so much in my 13 years.

So much of what I have learned is because of the children we adopted. I learned things about attachment and bonding that I would never have learned, otherwise. You assume a child born to you will just attach and bond, but that is not necessarily true. Bonding is not instantaneous and a given just because they were born to you. I read about holding and how important it was to hold my newly adopted child as much as possible so they will know who their mother is and who meets their daily needs. I didn't learn this until we adopted our 2nd child though. The Internet wasn't crawling with adoption groups like it is now and there are few adoptive families where we live...still today.

I bought carriers for our 2nd daughter's arrival. I carried her everywhere. I cleaned the house, did the dishes and everything else with her on my back. She is now 4 1/2 and EXTREMELY attached to momma. I wasn't that way with our first daughter. I didn't know any better and back then adoption agencies didn't push the literature. If you didn't know it was out there you were just at a loss. And, well, attachment was pretty taboo as a subject back then too.

I can say our 7-year-old daughter is attached, but not as securely as our 4 year old. I made so many mistakes with our oldest son too. When he was born, independence in a baby was a good thing. It was always so impressive to see them venture out and walk early, etc. He was very independent and we let him be. Then there is the trauma of being separated from us for his open-heart surgery when he was still very young. No one told me that this trauma could affect our relationship to each other. He's not near as attached as our middle son, but once I was educated we began working at it. Our middle son loved to be held and cuddled, so we took his cues and did so. Don’t get me wrong. We didn’t neglect him or even close. But, if he arched his back and wanted down we let him down. We thought that was best always. We didn’t know.

We should have pushed our oldest daughter and son to be held more. They are fine, ultimately, but I can see how it would have helped them, their self-esteem and security to have done so. Our middle son and youngest daughter are so much more confident and independent now as well as being able to show their love more openly without caring what anyone else thinks. Our middle son still kisses momma on the lips. I love that he does that. So with our youngest son, I carry and I carry and I carry. He was okay with not being held and just playing on the floor, just like sister Chelsi. But I pushed her and I pushed him and he loves to play, but doesn't mind sitting with mom or dad for cuddle time. I carry him while I do dishes and he hugs me around my waist. I know the good we are doing him. Even daddy will strap him into the carrier to get things done and continue bonding.

By far, our youngest son got the best part of us. We are better parents today then we were yesterday. I wish we had known more. I know I need to let that go. That was the time. Things have changed. Parenting has changed. This is the way life is. I wish all parents could read some of the literature out there for adoptive parents. It is truly so helpful and makes so much sense. Some of it may just be changing though and some parents maybe already doing some of these things due to changing times and that's GREAT! We finally learned that they will crawl, they will walk and they will talk. We don't have to rush them through everything. They just need us first; just us and our time and contact. With each child we’ve added, I feel a deeper relationship to them. I feel a deeper love. I add room to my heart with each of them and I grow.



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Little Man Time

Blog Post #18
By: Lisa H.

By 6:30 pm, the hustle and bustle and chaos had come to a close.

5:00 pm, arrive home from work and grab little man for a hug on my way to my bedroom to put on my lounge clothes.

5:05 pm, put clothes in laundry and go through mail.

5:10 pm, Brian holds Jaemin for a bit while I dust mop the 3 days of accumulating dust bunnies on the hardwood that I can no longer bear to see from the living room.

5:15 pm, go through school papers for the 1st and 4th graders. Our 7th grader doesn't bring his stuff home, much to our disappointment even after lectures.

5:20 pm, make up math problems for 1st grader who is having trouble with 1st grade level word problems and greater or less than. Brian had already done the same before I came home, but she was still having trouble grasping.

5:30 pm, eat lasagna for supper with the family. Discuss grades and behavior and how mommy and daddy may be too worn out after dealing with bad behavior and grades to do fun stuff, so we need to all work at that. ;)

6:00 pm, start dishes, while making up more problems for 1st grader and helping her understand it more with the help of our 7th grader.

6:15-6:30 pm, dishes are almost done and 1st grader gets it! Hallelujah! Discuss little issues with 4th and 7th graders while doing dishes as we do nightly. Usually, this consists of the dreaded talks of drugs, smoking, cheating and eventually the S word. But, now the 4th grader comes in needing help with his book report that is supposed to be a parent aided project. Chase had drawn the cover for his book report and needed it scanned so he could design the cover in Word. We worked on that, finished dishes and I gave myself my allergy shots all by 6:30. At 6:20, the 1st and 4th grader were out the door with Brian to go to religion classes.

Now I can cuddle my two littlest babies some more. I mean Chelsi always has a great deal to report back to us by the end of her exciting days!



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YIKES! I'm prejudiced.

Blog Post #17
By: Lisa H.

Never thought I’d have to say I’m prejudiced in any way, but I admit I am. I have child prejudices. I have a favorite past time of looking through pictures from adoptive families blogs. I think the stories are just beautiful and usually I find them truly amazing. But, every time I see a cute baby, toddler or child I think they’re so cute…but my babies are the cutEST!

I really love my little blondies and my dark headed babies. They are so perfect in every way to me. I mean, really, don’t you think they’re just the cutest ever?! Is it wrong to look at them and never be jealous of someone else’s adorable and simply beautiful children because you think yours are just perfect?

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Children can do more, if we let them.

Blog Post #16
By: Lisa H.

I think there can be a nice balance between dependence and independence in our children. I want them to enjoy their childhood and not grow up too soon. I mean we're adults for what 70 years or so? That's crazy when you think about it.

I started babysitting my sister when I was 11 and then when my dad left just a couple of years later I grew up tremendously. I fixed things around the house and did some of the stuff he was no longer there to do. I think part of the reason I got such good grades and behaved was my parents. They didn't need added stress. But, sometimes, I feel like I grew up too soon and by the time I was 20 and should have been having fun, I didn't know how. I still don't. I'm a very serious person by nature, who's trying to learn to have fund.

So while my kids do have chores and expectations we are trying to balance it so it's not so much they have too much stress to enjoy their young lives. I write this, however, as I'm home from work due to a reaction to medicine. My kids are home on a snow day...go figure. So, I only have my 3 oldest, but they are the ones taking care of mom. They have come in my room so often to check on me having enough water (dad told them I could get dehydrated) that I had to tell them to stop. They have fixed lunch for each other and made sure mom doesn't need anything. I love that they can do this when they 'want' to.

My kids make their own beds, take their own showers, put away their clothes after laundering, pick out clothes for the next day, help with dishes, vacuum and pick up with Saturday cleaning, etc. The oldest even knows how to cook and our middle son is learning. They do chores outside during the spring, summer and fall seasons. They still have plenty of time for fun. We make sure of it. You can always tell they have too much free time when it turns to fighting. That's a natural trend in siblings.

Soon enough, we will help our 13 year old open a checking account so he can slowly learn to balance a checkbook and statement. The older kids do help take care of the younger ones, but only when we really need a moment. It's our duty, as parents, to bath, feed, put to bed, etc. And gosh darn, I want some lovin' time for sure!

Mostly, we will raise our kids similarly to how I was raised, just a little lighter. I'm glad I knew how to take care of myself and do most things for myself. Teaching children to be fiscally, emotionally, behaviorally and community responsible are important. So, slowly over the years there will be life lessons and they will get it. We will do our best to raise good, young adults.



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So tired... so tired...

Blog Post #15
By: Lisa H.

I've sat down for just a moment.  Sitting almost makes me feel worse.  If I keep going I'm fine. 

It's only afternoon nap time on a Saturday and I'm purely exhausted.  I still have to finish up 3 loads of laundry and go grocery shopping.  My other plans will just have to wait.  I've already stripped my bed and remade the bed, and Jaemin's.  We've (Brian and I) gotten 3 loads of laundry done and folded.  And no we don't wait until the weekend.  We do at least 1 per day the other 6 days of the week, after work.  Sometimes 2 per night.  It just depends.  We've gotten the whole house clean, sidewalk and driveway shoveled and I've cut the hair on 3 little boys. 

Glad we saved $35 on haircuts today and we save money by not having a cleaning lady (yeah like we could afford one if we wanted to), but geesh I'm beat! 

Speaking of which, if you could afford a house cleaner weekly or someone to prepare meals daily (or even a few days per week) which would you do?  I would SO pick the cook.  Brian does all of our cooking since he gets home first and I cook if I get home first or on weekends, but he doesn't like to venture out in his cooking.  If we had a cook we could have some really cool meals and I wouldn't have to make them.  We have a pretty repetitious rotation with Brian's repertoire.  I'm not complaining though, it saves a lot of time at night having him cook so we can eat fairly early and it's always healthy.  Then, I just have to strap Jaemin into the Ergo carrier on my back and clean up the kitchen.  With the help of the big boys, of course; my official table clear-ers and dish dryers.

Here's my little man's second haircut in life and the first time I cut it short enough for him to look like a big boy....sniff, sniff.

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Living with ADHD

Blog Post #14
By: Lisa H.

I don’t talk about this a lot, yet I feel it’s an important issue in a lot of American households. I get the idea it’s not common in other countries since Korea questioned us so much regarding it. I think it’s just a cultural difference and we probably do over-diagnose here.

ADHD- attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Our 12 year old has ADHD. He was diagnosed at age 7 after 2 ½ long years in school spent getting in trouble. ADHD isn’t just getting bad grades because a child can’t focus; it causes them to fidget, chitchat, walk around, etc. during class and other occasions when stillness is preferred. It can be difficult to diagnose if the teachers aren’t on-board to help. In our case the teacher thought we were being bad parents who didn’t discipline for inappropriate behavior. It wasn’t terrible, but it was disruptive. When I finally demanded a meeting in 2nd grade after multiple complaints by the teacher, I brought my other two kids with me and the teacher commented on how well behaved they were during the meeting. At this very meeting I asked if we could get him observed for ADHD after speaking with a psychologist. They were pretty closed to the idea. She just kept telling me his problems. I let her know that I understood he was making bad choices, but we were already disciplining him at home. She and I would need to work together if we wanted to make any more progress.

Another teacher that was in on the meeting spoke up and told me that she had been observing another child and that Cole was walking around the room most of the day. The teacher had never told me about this. She said it wasn’t a problem since he always knew the answers when she got to him. I then told her that this was a symptom or sign of ADHD. In the end, I asked to have a behavioral IEP put in place for him. When they refused because they had never heard of one, I called the state (since it was a public school). They quickly agreed to look into it. While he didn’t qualify for a full IEP, he did get diagnosed with ADHD and we were then able to take that and use that information to get them to work with us more. I was able to, with the psychologist’s advice, get her to work out a plan with us for him. We came up with 8 behavioral objectives for him for each day. He was fairly goal oriented, at the time, so we felt this to be best. She would mark off each one he accomplished each day, initial it and send it home for us to initial that we saw it. After 2 months, he had been doing very well and we narrowed it down to 4 objectives.

When he entered 3rd grade just over 6 months later we spoke to the new teacher about what we had done in 2nd grade. She said if he wanted to bring it with him into 3rd and she was fine with it. He did want to and by 2 months in she no longer felt it was necessary. We all spoke to Cole and he agreed. She was an awesome teacher, by the way. She really made a good impact on his life. He was not ‘cured’ of ADHD. He still struggles. But, it’s gotten better and he’s learning control as he gets older. This 3rd grade teacher was just what he needed to feel good about himself too. Low self-esteem can be a side effect of ADD/ADHD. He had that for sure. He still does to an extent, but it’s not near what it used to be from being labeled a trouble child. I will never forget our first conference with Mrs. Brown, the 3rd grade teacher. She said we were ‘doing a great job of parenting a high spirited child’. First, to be told we were
actually doing a great job of parenting him was so wonderful to hear for once. We’d been made to feel so bad in the past due to his behavior. And to hear her say ‘high spirited’, sounded so much nicer. She really enjoyed his spirit and he loved her.

So, here we are, in 7th grade now. He’s a different kid. Some of it was maturity as we’d been hoping for. Some of it, though, was just his ADHD. It wasn’t as bad as some kids. Like other diseases it has a spectrum. We did not want to medicate unless there was no other choice. And when I felt at my lowest and felt like giving in and getting him evaluated for the meds my mom would remind me of just how stubborn I am and that I will never give up on him. While, some days, it would have been SO much easier to just get him some meds I’m glad we chose not to. I’m not saying never. I don’t know if it will cause him more or less issues as he gets older or not. But, for now, I’m remaining stubborn to it.

And yes we got a lot of shocked faces from the school when we told them we were not medicating. We gave them our reasons why on top of his heart defect being one of them. I don’t care what they think. We only care about what we feel is best for him. So, we’ll keep at it and keep revising how we parent him when necessary. We will do anything to help him through.

This is just a snapshot of our experience with ADHD. It's a road we're still on.



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