By: Jennie Won Kim | "Our Little 'Miracle' :: Part One | Part Two
Alternatives... We started to look into other options and weighed the pros and cons. We discussed adoption and met with Holt International and realized that this might be a good fit for us but, it was costly and we had to consider the rest of the family's feelings and reaction. If we were going to bring a child into our lives, I wanted to make sure that the people we had to see all the time would be on board and would love our child no matter where he or she came from. IVF was costly as well, it would take a tremendous toll on my body, and isn't guaranteed. Up until now, we hardly had any out of pocket expenses (thanks to my husband's health benefits) and the two options left was either to adopt or try IVF. What should we do??? Adoption and IVF cost about the same. Adoption would guarantee us a child, but IVF would not. Adoption would not give me the chance to experience a pregnancy as IVF would. Adoption would not wreak havoc on my body with more drugs like IVF would. Adoption wasn't something that the in laws supported, but IVF was.
Decisions... I started the research and realized that IVF's success rates were a lot lower than I had thought. I also didn't realize that the adoption process could possibly be a very long wait. After much prayer, discussion, and figuring cost. We decided to give IVF a shot. We didn't want to look back and wonder "what if" without giving it a try. We had tried everything else, so why not! We would do IVF and if it didn't work, then adoption would still be there. We went to a new clinic that others had referred us to during the fall of 2008. The paper work, the list of drugs, the cost, the contracts, the list of tests seemed endless. What did we get ourselves into? We were starting to feel a little overwhelmed.
Wow! We were really doing this. I was nervous. I wanted everything to go perfectly. The drugs had to be administered at just the right time everyday. There were a lot more drugs and needles and a lot more places that I had to be injected. More poking and more prodding. The time finally came for my eggs to be harvested, yup, they had to go in and take out my eggs. I didn't realize that this would be a procedure done under anesthesia, it was like surgery. You go in early, they prep you and wheel you into the "operating room" and I was immediately knocked out. (That was really weird, if only I could fall asleep like that every night!) When I woke up, I was back in the recovery room with my husband sitting by my bed. I felt like I was hit by a train. My abdomen felt raw and I was so groggy. I can't remember the names of all the meds they put in my IV, but I do remember feeling nauseated and wanting to sleep the entire rest of the day. The good news was that they were able to take out 12 eggs. Wow, 12!
The number of eggs they find vary, some women can have as little as 1 or as many as over 20. They don't know how many they'll find until they go inside and I was told that 12 was a good number! After a few hours, we were allowed to leave and would have to return in a few days for my embryos to be put back inside. We had to wait for the phone call and make sure that we had embryos that would multiply at the correct rate by the third day, if not, we would have to wait 5 days. They called us in on the third day and told us 8 embryos made it. Obviously we wouldn't use all 8, they chose the best 3 and recommended that we go with those 3. The doctor has to warn you about ALL the possibilities. Here's a short list of what could happen:
1. All three embryos could implant and we might have triplets.
2. Two or one of the embryos could implant which would give us twins or a singleton.
3. One of more of the embryos could split and we might have multiples.
4. None of the embryos would implant.
After much discussion, my husband and I decided to transfer 2 embryos. We asked for only 2 because we were scared of the other possibilities. They also encourage you to selectively reduce if you have 3 or more embryos that may implant. Selective reduction was out of the question so, 2 sounded like an ideal number. We were praying for both of these babies and if God decided to give us twins, we were sure he would provide us strength and wisdom along with it. Either way, we prayed for a pregnancy.
They chose the best two embryos and transferred them on New Year's Day of 2009. What a great way to start the year! I was in pain from the procedure, but we were definitely hopeful and went home and were very cautious. I should mention that during the transfer process, they make you drink a ton of water so they can use the ultrasound. Those of you who had this done when you were pregnant at 20 weeks will remember how uncomfortable this is, but try having a speculum inside you along with the catheter to transfer the embryos. It was pretty painful, I thought I was going to wet the table. After this, instead of being able to go to the restroom to let out all of that fluid, you have to wait on the table and relax for at least 30 minutes. Can you imagine trying to relax while holding the gallon of water you consumed? Thankfully I made it to the restroom without an accident.
They told me to stay in bed for 3 days and not to lift anything over 5 pounds for 6 weeks. I had to go back in a couple weeks for a blood test and a second blood test a few days after that to measure my hCG levels. They would then call us to let us know if we were pregnant. I was very careful. Every step, every move I made was done very gingerly and my husband made sure that I didn't have to lift a finger (this I could get used to). The day you have your embryos transferred, you also start your progesterone shots to help maintain the pregnancy. These shots continue until your eighth week. Here I thought that all the needles would be over with, only to have this thick oil injected into your rear. I didn't know what was worse, the big fat needle or the oil that would clump up on your rear and cause pain while walking, sitting, laying, no matter what you did, the constant nagging pain wouldn't go away. After a couple of weeks I was nearly in tears and called my nurse to see if there was any other alternative, there was no way I could go back to work with this kind of pain. She recommended a more costly suppository. Great, now I had to place something inside twice a day. It was pretty messy and icky, but thankfully no pain involved.
Since we only used 2 of our embryos, the rest of the 6 were left with the clinic and they had to wait and see which of them would make it to day 8. We had the transfer done on day 3 so, 5 days later they called us and told us only 1 had made it to the blast stage. So from 12 eggs we were down to the two that were implanted and the one that was frozen for possible future implantation. I was quite surprised that there were so few left, I wondered what happens to those women who only retrieve a small number of eggs. Do those women have to start all over again? I felt for those couples who had to do this over and over again. One thing was certain, my husband and I decided that if this didn't work, we wouldn't be able to do it again. The hormones, the pain involved with all the procedures and shots were too much.
During this process I did my share of complaining, I would vent and say how unfair this all was. So many get pregnant, they even have unwanted pregnancies and I knew that my husband and I would be great parents. For us to not be allowed to experience this gift that so many take for granted really made me mad. Never mind the fact that as a teacher I saw a lot of neglected children come through my classroom. Why God??? How come they get to have children that they can't seem to take care of and we who so desperately want a child cannot have one? When you're on all these hormones, your emotions are heightened and I would get emotional even at the sight of a baby. We continued to pray, please let this work!
A couple weeks had gone by and the first blood test was drawn. A few days later, the second blood test was done. I just needed to wait patiently for the phone call. This waiting felt like an eternity. Oddly, it was worse since I was still on vacation, school would have been the perfect distraction. Finally, the call came... our appointed nurse was on the other end and said, "Congratulations, looks like you're pregnant!" We were so thankful that it had worked, especially since it was our first time doing IVF, so many couples are not this fortunate. Now my mind was racing with constant worrisome thoughts again. "What if I miscarry again?" This question kept haunting me. I still had to wait a couple of weeks before I could go in for the ultrasound. Being on vacation the entire month of
January was a blessing (in case you're wondering why I'm on vacation in January, I work at a year round school) which allowed me to focus on staying off my feet. The day finally came for us to go and have our ultrasound. We were both nervous and excited! We got to see our little peanut (literally, our baby looked like a peanut in a round pod). I thought I would become emotional, but to my surprise, I think I was a little dumbfounded. A part of me was cautious, not wanting to get too excited and another part was in disbelief. Really? Am I really pregnant? I didn't feel any different, nor did I look different. The fact didn't quite settle in. This time, instead of telling everyone that we were pregnant, we waited quietly. We told our immediate family, but aside from that, I didn't even mention to my friends that we had even done IVF. At the end of our first trimester, I finally told our friends and was able to breathe that sigh of relief. We had made it through that first trimester hurdle. We were going to have this baby!!!
Overall the pregnancy was a pretty good one. I don't have anything else to compare it to, but I wasn't really sick or in pain, I guess is went well. Throughout the pregnancy I figured that since all was going well that our baby's arrival would be just as smooth. I didn't really read too much about all the "what ifs" that could happen during labor so, I wasn't prepared about what options I had. I guess I figured that since it was so hard to conceive, the labor and delivery would go pretty well. Watching my sister in laws (both of them) made me think that labor was no big deal, they delivered their babies without difficulty and I foolishly thought the same. Even my sister in law who had a cesarean, did so without any issues and she did great, she didn't even require any pain medication at all! So all I really knew about labor and delivery was that your water should break, you go in and either baby comes out after pushing for a little while or they will cut you open and take out the baby. Women all over the world for years and years have been giving birth, it can't be too hard. Pretty basic and simple stuff, right?
On September 22, 2009, we were blessed with the arrival of Connor Alexander Kim. He did not want to leave his cozy home of 40 weeks and was forced to be evicted, but he did finally arrive with some complications. I was in labor for about 45 hours, it started the night before I was scheduled to be induced. I was already approaching my due date and feeling pretty uncomfortable and not being able to sleep so I asked my OB to induce me on his due date if he didn't arrive on his own. Well, he still wasn't showing signs of coming. Sunday night, my mom had flown up and we were ready to go to the hospital at 6am Monday morning.
As I was getting ready for bed, around 10pm, I started to feel a lot of pressure and pain. I thought it was from being on my feet all day and figured that I was going in the next morning so everything should be fine. I tried to sleep, no luck, sleep was not my friend that night. All night I tossed and turned wondering why I was in pain. I expected contractions to feel like something entirely different and didn't even suspect that I was having contractions. Around 4am, I started to get ready and was in a LOT of pain. We got to the hospital and they looked at me and asked, "Are you in labor?" It just dawned on me that I was in labor, I nodded. We were finally in the delivery room, I was hooked up and the nurse told me that my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart. As I lay in the bed, I felt really wet. I told the nurse that I think something is happening because I feel wet. She looked and said, oh, your water broke and the baby pooped. Oh great, now I was worried. That can't be good if baby had already pooped in the amniotic fluid.
So here we were waiting for me to dilate because the contractions were getting stronger. No such luck, I was not dilating. They started the epidural and eventually started the pitocin since I was still at 2cm after several hours. I eventually made it to 10cm and pushed like I had never pushed in my entire life for about 5 1/2 hours. Baby was sunny side up and apparently stuck at my pelvic bone. The nurse I had was not sympathetic at all and just said, "All first time moms are supposed to push for this long!" Oh and for some reason, the nurse at the prior shift turned off my epidural and left the pitocin on, so my contractions were 5-7 minutes long with a minute in between for me to catch my breath. Somewhere in the midst of pushing, I begged for a cesarean, Connor wasn't coming out. The doctor attempted the vacuum after telling me that baby was so close and she was sure he would make it out if we tried it. The machines started beeping and everyone started to move really fast, they said Connor's heart rate was dropping. So all that work and doing the vacuum only to have an emergency cesarean.
As I lay waiting while my body started to shake uncontrollably, I turned to my husband and said, "Just as hard as it was to create Connor, it's just as hard to bring him into the world." I realized then that he is truly a special baby. He is destined for great things, his creation and arrival was met with so many obstacles. Even after his birth, he was taken to the care unit because he had trouble breathing. I wasn't able to see my son for nearly 20 hours. Thankfully for morphine, I didn't realize what Connor was going through, if I was aware, I think I would have been an emotional mess. After a week of being in the hospital, we were all given the clear to be discharged! Yeah! Everything turned out okay!
I am so thankful and blessed that God has allowed me to be Connor's mommy. Despite the long journey to get to this point, Connor could not have come into our lives at a better time. With the years of longing and waiting, it has given us a better appreciation for every little thing that Connor does. I love being able to enjoy this precious life that I get to watch grow before me everyday. I can just stare and watch Connor for hours and am so full of love. There used to be couples who would say to us, "Oh, just be thankful that you don't have kids, you'll never have your own life again." I really hated it when people would say that to us, now, I just feel sad for them. How can you live life any other way? Everything I had hoped and dreamed about motherhood, it's actually so much better than I could have ever imagined it to be.
Connor is an amazing little guy and we hope to give him a sibling, actually a couple of siblings. We don't know if it's possible, but we will continue to pray and hope that God will allow our little family to grow. Maybe his brother or sister that's waiting for us at the clinic will be able to come home with us one day!
Alternatives... We started to look into other options and weighed the pros and cons. We discussed adoption and met with Holt International and realized that this might be a good fit for us but, it was costly and we had to consider the rest of the family's feelings and reaction. If we were going to bring a child into our lives, I wanted to make sure that the people we had to see all the time would be on board and would love our child no matter where he or she came from. IVF was costly as well, it would take a tremendous toll on my body, and isn't guaranteed. Up until now, we hardly had any out of pocket expenses (thanks to my husband's health benefits) and the two options left was either to adopt or try IVF. What should we do??? Adoption and IVF cost about the same. Adoption would guarantee us a child, but IVF would not. Adoption would not give me the chance to experience a pregnancy as IVF would. Adoption would not wreak havoc on my body with more drugs like IVF would. Adoption wasn't something that the in laws supported, but IVF was.
Decisions... I started the research and realized that IVF's success rates were a lot lower than I had thought. I also didn't realize that the adoption process could possibly be a very long wait. After much prayer, discussion, and figuring cost. We decided to give IVF a shot. We didn't want to look back and wonder "what if" without giving it a try. We had tried everything else, so why not! We would do IVF and if it didn't work, then adoption would still be there. We went to a new clinic that others had referred us to during the fall of 2008. The paper work, the list of drugs, the cost, the contracts, the list of tests seemed endless. What did we get ourselves into? We were starting to feel a little overwhelmed.
Wow! We were really doing this. I was nervous. I wanted everything to go perfectly. The drugs had to be administered at just the right time everyday. There were a lot more drugs and needles and a lot more places that I had to be injected. More poking and more prodding. The time finally came for my eggs to be harvested, yup, they had to go in and take out my eggs. I didn't realize that this would be a procedure done under anesthesia, it was like surgery. You go in early, they prep you and wheel you into the "operating room" and I was immediately knocked out. (That was really weird, if only I could fall asleep like that every night!) When I woke up, I was back in the recovery room with my husband sitting by my bed. I felt like I was hit by a train. My abdomen felt raw and I was so groggy. I can't remember the names of all the meds they put in my IV, but I do remember feeling nauseated and wanting to sleep the entire rest of the day. The good news was that they were able to take out 12 eggs. Wow, 12!
The number of eggs they find vary, some women can have as little as 1 or as many as over 20. They don't know how many they'll find until they go inside and I was told that 12 was a good number! After a few hours, we were allowed to leave and would have to return in a few days for my embryos to be put back inside. We had to wait for the phone call and make sure that we had embryos that would multiply at the correct rate by the third day, if not, we would have to wait 5 days. They called us in on the third day and told us 8 embryos made it. Obviously we wouldn't use all 8, they chose the best 3 and recommended that we go with those 3. The doctor has to warn you about ALL the possibilities. Here's a short list of what could happen:
1. All three embryos could implant and we might have triplets.
2. Two or one of the embryos could implant which would give us twins or a singleton.
3. One of more of the embryos could split and we might have multiples.
4. None of the embryos would implant.
After much discussion, my husband and I decided to transfer 2 embryos. We asked for only 2 because we were scared of the other possibilities. They also encourage you to selectively reduce if you have 3 or more embryos that may implant. Selective reduction was out of the question so, 2 sounded like an ideal number. We were praying for both of these babies and if God decided to give us twins, we were sure he would provide us strength and wisdom along with it. Either way, we prayed for a pregnancy.
They chose the best two embryos and transferred them on New Year's Day of 2009. What a great way to start the year! I was in pain from the procedure, but we were definitely hopeful and went home and were very cautious. I should mention that during the transfer process, they make you drink a ton of water so they can use the ultrasound. Those of you who had this done when you were pregnant at 20 weeks will remember how uncomfortable this is, but try having a speculum inside you along with the catheter to transfer the embryos. It was pretty painful, I thought I was going to wet the table. After this, instead of being able to go to the restroom to let out all of that fluid, you have to wait on the table and relax for at least 30 minutes. Can you imagine trying to relax while holding the gallon of water you consumed? Thankfully I made it to the restroom without an accident.
They told me to stay in bed for 3 days and not to lift anything over 5 pounds for 6 weeks. I had to go back in a couple weeks for a blood test and a second blood test a few days after that to measure my hCG levels. They would then call us to let us know if we were pregnant. I was very careful. Every step, every move I made was done very gingerly and my husband made sure that I didn't have to lift a finger (this I could get used to). The day you have your embryos transferred, you also start your progesterone shots to help maintain the pregnancy. These shots continue until your eighth week. Here I thought that all the needles would be over with, only to have this thick oil injected into your rear. I didn't know what was worse, the big fat needle or the oil that would clump up on your rear and cause pain while walking, sitting, laying, no matter what you did, the constant nagging pain wouldn't go away. After a couple of weeks I was nearly in tears and called my nurse to see if there was any other alternative, there was no way I could go back to work with this kind of pain. She recommended a more costly suppository. Great, now I had to place something inside twice a day. It was pretty messy and icky, but thankfully no pain involved.
Since we only used 2 of our embryos, the rest of the 6 were left with the clinic and they had to wait and see which of them would make it to day 8. We had the transfer done on day 3 so, 5 days later they called us and told us only 1 had made it to the blast stage. So from 12 eggs we were down to the two that were implanted and the one that was frozen for possible future implantation. I was quite surprised that there were so few left, I wondered what happens to those women who only retrieve a small number of eggs. Do those women have to start all over again? I felt for those couples who had to do this over and over again. One thing was certain, my husband and I decided that if this didn't work, we wouldn't be able to do it again. The hormones, the pain involved with all the procedures and shots were too much.
During this process I did my share of complaining, I would vent and say how unfair this all was. So many get pregnant, they even have unwanted pregnancies and I knew that my husband and I would be great parents. For us to not be allowed to experience this gift that so many take for granted really made me mad. Never mind the fact that as a teacher I saw a lot of neglected children come through my classroom. Why God??? How come they get to have children that they can't seem to take care of and we who so desperately want a child cannot have one? When you're on all these hormones, your emotions are heightened and I would get emotional even at the sight of a baby. We continued to pray, please let this work!
A couple weeks had gone by and the first blood test was drawn. A few days later, the second blood test was done. I just needed to wait patiently for the phone call. This waiting felt like an eternity. Oddly, it was worse since I was still on vacation, school would have been the perfect distraction. Finally, the call came... our appointed nurse was on the other end and said, "Congratulations, looks like you're pregnant!" We were so thankful that it had worked, especially since it was our first time doing IVF, so many couples are not this fortunate. Now my mind was racing with constant worrisome thoughts again. "What if I miscarry again?" This question kept haunting me. I still had to wait a couple of weeks before I could go in for the ultrasound. Being on vacation the entire month of
January was a blessing (in case you're wondering why I'm on vacation in January, I work at a year round school) which allowed me to focus on staying off my feet. The day finally came for us to go and have our ultrasound. We were both nervous and excited! We got to see our little peanut (literally, our baby looked like a peanut in a round pod). I thought I would become emotional, but to my surprise, I think I was a little dumbfounded. A part of me was cautious, not wanting to get too excited and another part was in disbelief. Really? Am I really pregnant? I didn't feel any different, nor did I look different. The fact didn't quite settle in. This time, instead of telling everyone that we were pregnant, we waited quietly. We told our immediate family, but aside from that, I didn't even mention to my friends that we had even done IVF. At the end of our first trimester, I finally told our friends and was able to breathe that sigh of relief. We had made it through that first trimester hurdle. We were going to have this baby!!!
Overall the pregnancy was a pretty good one. I don't have anything else to compare it to, but I wasn't really sick or in pain, I guess is went well. Throughout the pregnancy I figured that since all was going well that our baby's arrival would be just as smooth. I didn't really read too much about all the "what ifs" that could happen during labor so, I wasn't prepared about what options I had. I guess I figured that since it was so hard to conceive, the labor and delivery would go pretty well. Watching my sister in laws (both of them) made me think that labor was no big deal, they delivered their babies without difficulty and I foolishly thought the same. Even my sister in law who had a cesarean, did so without any issues and she did great, she didn't even require any pain medication at all! So all I really knew about labor and delivery was that your water should break, you go in and either baby comes out after pushing for a little while or they will cut you open and take out the baby. Women all over the world for years and years have been giving birth, it can't be too hard. Pretty basic and simple stuff, right?
On September 22, 2009, we were blessed with the arrival of Connor Alexander Kim. He did not want to leave his cozy home of 40 weeks and was forced to be evicted, but he did finally arrive with some complications. I was in labor for about 45 hours, it started the night before I was scheduled to be induced. I was already approaching my due date and feeling pretty uncomfortable and not being able to sleep so I asked my OB to induce me on his due date if he didn't arrive on his own. Well, he still wasn't showing signs of coming. Sunday night, my mom had flown up and we were ready to go to the hospital at 6am Monday morning.
As I was getting ready for bed, around 10pm, I started to feel a lot of pressure and pain. I thought it was from being on my feet all day and figured that I was going in the next morning so everything should be fine. I tried to sleep, no luck, sleep was not my friend that night. All night I tossed and turned wondering why I was in pain. I expected contractions to feel like something entirely different and didn't even suspect that I was having contractions. Around 4am, I started to get ready and was in a LOT of pain. We got to the hospital and they looked at me and asked, "Are you in labor?" It just dawned on me that I was in labor, I nodded. We were finally in the delivery room, I was hooked up and the nurse told me that my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart. As I lay in the bed, I felt really wet. I told the nurse that I think something is happening because I feel wet. She looked and said, oh, your water broke and the baby pooped. Oh great, now I was worried. That can't be good if baby had already pooped in the amniotic fluid.
So here we were waiting for me to dilate because the contractions were getting stronger. No such luck, I was not dilating. They started the epidural and eventually started the pitocin since I was still at 2cm after several hours. I eventually made it to 10cm and pushed like I had never pushed in my entire life for about 5 1/2 hours. Baby was sunny side up and apparently stuck at my pelvic bone. The nurse I had was not sympathetic at all and just said, "All first time moms are supposed to push for this long!" Oh and for some reason, the nurse at the prior shift turned off my epidural and left the pitocin on, so my contractions were 5-7 minutes long with a minute in between for me to catch my breath. Somewhere in the midst of pushing, I begged for a cesarean, Connor wasn't coming out. The doctor attempted the vacuum after telling me that baby was so close and she was sure he would make it out if we tried it. The machines started beeping and everyone started to move really fast, they said Connor's heart rate was dropping. So all that work and doing the vacuum only to have an emergency cesarean.
As I lay waiting while my body started to shake uncontrollably, I turned to my husband and said, "Just as hard as it was to create Connor, it's just as hard to bring him into the world." I realized then that he is truly a special baby. He is destined for great things, his creation and arrival was met with so many obstacles. Even after his birth, he was taken to the care unit because he had trouble breathing. I wasn't able to see my son for nearly 20 hours. Thankfully for morphine, I didn't realize what Connor was going through, if I was aware, I think I would have been an emotional mess. After a week of being in the hospital, we were all given the clear to be discharged! Yeah! Everything turned out okay!
I am so thankful and blessed that God has allowed me to be Connor's mommy. Despite the long journey to get to this point, Connor could not have come into our lives at a better time. With the years of longing and waiting, it has given us a better appreciation for every little thing that Connor does. I love being able to enjoy this precious life that I get to watch grow before me everyday. I can just stare and watch Connor for hours and am so full of love. There used to be couples who would say to us, "Oh, just be thankful that you don't have kids, you'll never have your own life again." I really hated it when people would say that to us, now, I just feel sad for them. How can you live life any other way? Everything I had hoped and dreamed about motherhood, it's actually so much better than I could have ever imagined it to be.
Connor is an amazing little guy and we hope to give him a sibling, actually a couple of siblings. We don't know if it's possible, but we will continue to pray and hope that God will allow our little family to grow. Maybe his brother or sister that's waiting for us at the clinic will be able to come home with us one day!
Thank you Connor for allowing me the opportunity to be your mommy and for giving me the most amazing gift of you! I love you more than words can ever express and my heart is flooded with joy each time I look at your beautiful face!
By: Jennie Won Kim | "Our Little 'Miracle' :: Part One | Part Two
Thank you Jennie for sharing your miraculous story! We can't wait to hear more on how Connor is growing and maybe even a brother or sister? Readers... Stay tuned! Leave a comment for Jennie here. She'd love to hear from you!
Thank you Jennie for sharing your miraculous story! We can't wait to hear more on how Connor is growing and maybe even a brother or sister? Readers... Stay tuned! Leave a comment for Jennie here. She'd love to hear from you!