One of my favorite tv shows to watch is "The Dog
Whisperer" on the Discovery Channel.
I had a little puppy, half Shi-Tzu and half miniature pincher, named
"Shin" which was short for SHI-tzu
mini-piN. It’s also short for
“shin-bahr” aka shoes in Korean. He was this adorable little thing that fit
into our hands when he was a few weeks old. He came with kennel cough, and the
poor thing lay on my feet like shoes for warmth, so the name stuck. He soon
became a part of the family, but as he grew into adolescence, he started having
a will of his own. He thought he was the biggest dog in the neighborhood,
challenging bigger dogs at the park, he would growl and bark at anyone who came
close to our house… even if it meant they were walking on the sidewalk two
buildings away. He soon became annoying and not as cute as he used to be, not
that we loved him any less. It was obvious that he needed “boundaries and
limitations” as Cesar likes to say.
The reason I mention the show is not just because I love it,
but it often reminds me that the principles from that show can be applied to my
life. The way that Cesar has a calm assertive energy about him as he works with
the problem dogs is inspiring. I wish I could have as much calm assertiveness
as I parent my two little ones as he does with his dogs in the “red zone.”
Another reason I love the show is also because the show teaches balance. You
quickly see that it’s not about the dog or its problems. It’s about the owner’s
problems and hang-ups. Cesar works with the owners more than he does with the
dogs it seems, and he shows them how to be balanced people which will help
their dogs to be balanced.
Though the show is about dogs, I think it can also apply to
our roles as mothers. The more balanced, and calm I am, it will reflect upon my
children. Of course there are exceptions, and it may be too simplifying, but I
think there are some truths that we can bring to our mothering. How many times
have we seen kids throwing tantrums on the floor of a shop (probably also our
own) and a mother yelling at them to get up or even hitting them in public? I
once saw a man at the ER cussing his little son out because he was taking too
long gathering up his baby sister’s belongings, and I cringed inside at the
kind of energy this father was modeling for his son. There are many times, when
I lose my temper and yell at my kids to stop hitting each other or to get in
the car when we’re late for an appointment. And when I stop to evaluate why I’m
yelling, it’s because I’m not balanced. I’m not being calmly assertive. I’m
focused more on what needs to be accomplished, not on gracious parenting.
What is gracious parenting?
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It’s not about performance, but about the process. It’s going
through each moment and handling each moment with graciousness.
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It’s remembering that each moment for a child means something
different as she develops, as his brain changes. What was the same yesterday
may mean something different today.
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It’s remembering to give YOURSELF grace for failing to be the
parent you want to be. We often get so down when we are not that super mom we
so desire to be. It’s hard when the next mom you meet seems so put together.
How do you practice the balancing art (not act) of
motherhood? Here are some practical tips that I’ve picked up over the
years, though I’m always searching for more.
Newborn – 6
mo old: Your life’s turned upside down.
This bundle of joy that arrived with a lot of pain takes over your life, and
you’re just trying to keep afloat. If you’re mastering it already, good for
you! But if you’re not, here are some things to consider. With one subsequent
child, it gets exponentially more difficult. It’ll be easier for you with the
first child than it will be having 2 or more closer in age. Here are some
practical tips:
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Find someone to come and help out at least once a week. Even
if it’s to come for an hour so that you can get a nap in or that you won’t have
to change the baby’s diaper will give you a chance to be more balanced. Don’t
feel like you HAVE to do it alone. Reach out for help.
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Get professional help with breastfeeding. Some hospitals have
free or inexpensive lactation support for up to 3mo or more, and there’s always
La Leche League. Breastfeeding can cause so much stress, and it should be a great
bonding experience. If you’ve chosen to formula feed, remember that it’s still
a bonding time, not just food time.
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If you can get your husband to help out on the weekends, stock
up for the week. Make rice and freeze them in bags in small portions to heat up
during the week. Go grocery shopping ALONE without the baby just so you can get
some time to yourself.
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You can wear your baby so you can be more hands free to do
things like putting clothes in the laundry. I showered my baby as I took a
shower by putting him into a solarveil (mesh-like) pouch. I didn’t even bother
filling up a bucket to bathe him like I did with my first baby. It was hard
enough getting a shower in. I wrapped my son on to myself and nursed him as I
did chores.
6mo – 1 yr old: Your
baby is starting to sit up on their own, and they can be entertained easily.
Your body is starting to come back to its regular shape, and you’re feeling
more like yourself, hopefully. J Nearing 1 yr old, they’ll start to
crawl, cruise and walk.
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Get yourself a play pen to keep your baby safe, and spend a
few moments just reflecting on the miracle that your child is or even take a
quick cat nap.
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Jot down all the friends you used to hang out with before you
had your kids. Contact them for a coffee date, and have your hubby watch them
for an hour while you go catch up WITHOUT your kids.
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Get an annual pass to a park/zoo/kids museum. It’ll come in
handy when you need some fun time.
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Get a good baby carrier that you can wear your baby on your
back so you can get back to cooking and cleaning.
1 – 2 yrs old: Your
toddler is now starting to express his will, and she will start to push their
boundaries. Each child is different, but here are some things to consider.
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Write down with your husband the rules of the house so you’re
on the same page. Stick by those rules the best you can, but don’t get too
angry or upset when it doesn’t work out.
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Being consistent, looking at the child in the face when you
remind them the rules in a calm-assertive manner will help him to understand
what you want even if she decides to break the rule.
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Talk with your husband what the discipline will be if those
rules are broken. My husband came from a family where hitting a child in the
face or the lips for speaking in an unacceptable manner was okay. I’m not okay
with it, and my husband knows that. Funny though how the way you were brought
up will come so easily to you. I came from a family of yellers. We both work at
not doing what we’re used to.
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This is also the time when their nap schedules will start to
change. It’ll be hard to adjust, but remember not to get too frustrated with
your child. Their brain is changing. They’re growing up! Go with the flow, and
figure out a different schedule for yourself and for him. Take a deep breath. J
You need a nap but he won’t take a nap. Put on a dvd and cuddle her as you
sleep a little. Wipe the drool off the couch when you wake up. ;)
2 -5 yr old: They will perfect the skills they’ve started to
learn. Around 3-4, they may be ready to go to preschool. And at 5 year old, they’re much more
independent, and you can ask more of them.
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Be diligent about what and how you speak to your child since
they will repeat things you say. When they start throwing a fit, look at them
in the eyes. Smile, and give them a big hug. Snap them out of their funk by
tickling them. Yelling rarely works. It’ll make them angry at your or act out
the same anger on others. Shutting them up will make them more frustrated. Poke
them, sing a happy song, do something to get their attention away from what
they’re feeling. Ask them to tell you how they feel or what they want.
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Try to explain the reason behind your decisions. Even if they
don’t understand, they will see that you do not do things just because you
spite them even if they act like they hate you.
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Jot down what their favorite things are. Remember to treat
them when they do something good. Don’t always focus on the negative.
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With the older kids, you can start to reward them for doing
chores around the house. My daughter gets quarters every time she does
something to help clean up. Her father gives her nickels. It’s a good thing she doesn’t know what
it means yet. J
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Avoid processed sugars as it’ll make them even more tired and unmanageable
after being hyper.
I can’t say for more than 5 yr olds since my eldest is that
age. J
I guess I will be updating this blog post once we reach the older ages. But I
do have to say, that newborn – 5 years before they go off to school is an
important and exhausting period of their lives for you as a mother. Do the best
you can, but don’t come down on yourself too hard if you fail in areas. It
matters that you care.
Remember to practice, as Cesar says, “Exercise, discipline,
then affection,” and exude “calm assertive energy.” That goes for us and for
our children. Don’t lose yourself in your mothering, as finding yourself in the
midst of the chaos will make you a better mother.
-Michelle EunJi
Wife, mother of 2, owner of www.3treedesign.com, www.greenthumbfabrics.com, www.uhboohbahbaby.com
