Mommy - Blog & Shopping

To judge or not to judge?

Written by: Jeanie Chang


generalforum.com

Have you ever received criticism on your parenting skills from some random person or received unsolicited advice from a stranger about your child?  Or maybe it wasn’t a comment, but more like a look that spoke louder than words?  I just read a very interesting blog: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com.  It’s written by a woman who wrote an article for the University of Baltimore Law Review about “how the tendency to judge mothering harshly plays out for the poor and minority women who come under scrutiny of the child welfare system.”  

She adapted this article into a blog for The New York Times and it really got me thinking.  You’ll need to read the blog before understanding what I have to say, but I can see her point.   I have been on both sides of what she’s talking about.  What I mean is, I was the one judging the parents of a child and I also received judgment from someone else after I became a mother.  Before having kids, I looked at the parents who had their toddlers on those kiddie leashes in GREAT disdain.  I remember thinking it was pretty much close to child abuse as you can get and I couldn’t believe the parents were walking around in public holding their child on a leash!  I learned to eat my words later when I considered getting one myself to control my active son who would run anywhere at any place any chance he got.  I completely understood the reason behind those kiddie leashes!

On the flip side, I have received a few jabs here and there about my parenting “skills” from random people.  The most blatant by far was the first comment I received after having my first child.  I was walking my daughter  who at the time was two months old in her stroller around the mall and she was napping peacefully on her tummy.  I know you’re not supposed to sleep your baby on your tummy, but my daughter preferred sleeping on her tummy.  Anyways, I was in the elevator and a woman (maybe in her sixties) turned to me and practically snapped my head off.  She told me the baby should be sleeping on her back and if the baby’s mother knew what I was doing, I’d be in ‘big trouble!’  Obviously, she thought I was a nanny or babysitter.  Anyways, I had to practically hold her back from flipping my daughter over onto her back.  It was a nasty encounter and that left me somewhat scarred for days.  Being a first-time mom and all, I was very sensitive.  If that happened now, I’d definitely have a witty comeback.  J  Since then, I have received looks or snide comments here and there about random things I was doing with my kids.  I’m sure you’ve had that experience as well.   What have you done about it?

The author of this blog, Chris Gottlieb knows what she’s talking about.  She’s with the Family Defense Clinic at New York University School of Law and represents parents accused of child abuse and neglect and tries to keep families together.   She points out that those who are in the position to make judgment on the parents accused of child abuse and neglect (in many cases, mainly the poor and minority parents) have such impossibly high standards that it’s going to set the parents up for failure no matter what.  Of course she is in no way diminishing the fact that there are cases where the child (ren) must be removed from their parents for their well-being.  But she’s saying we all need to reevaluate our tendency to approaching parenting with such “unforgiving” eyes.  Gottlieb goes on to say that the children would be better off if everyone viewed parenting by strangers the same as we view parenting by our friends and families – “generously” and without such a critical eye.  I really like this statement.  What are your thoughts on her blog?

Written by: Jeanie Chang

"Please don't forget my name!" by Jen Soo

 
Words and Photo of Jen Soo from TheKoreanBaby.com

What is the very first thing that defines your identity? Fingerprints? Your physical appearance? The car you drive? Your position in the company? I would say it is your name. Before knowing someone or finding out more about that person, the very first thing you know about that person is his/her name.

In Korea, however, I’ve noticed that after getting married and becoming a mother, I don’t use my name as often as before. In fact I think they are still people around me who don’t know my name because they know me as “Min Hye Umma”. Min Hye is my 1^st born and after you give birth to your first child, people will naturally call you by your child’s name and affix the word “Umma”. Even after a few babies, your “name” will still be the name of your first child.

 

When you first get married into the family, you will be addressed as “New Baby” (Sae Aga/Egi) by your parents in law. Sisters or brothers in law will have other honorifics for you and nobody will use your name. 

  

On a lunar new year’s morning, we were at my parents in law’s place for the “jae-sa” (ancestor prayers). We spent the night there before and were supposed to wake up at about 5am to prepare. My father in law stood outside my room and asked, “Min Hye, are you awake already?” I answered him no because my daughter was still sleeping but little did I know he was referring to me! Only then did I find out that not only they call you so and so's Umma, but they also cut it short and just call you by your baby’s name.

 

Of course I do believe there are exceptions in other families but on the whole in general, this is how Korean culture is like. Most women here are so natural and quick in introducing themselves as so and so’s umma. Not only amongst the elders, (which is still understandable) but even amongst friends, there are actually young people who introduce themselves as baby’s umma when making new friends. As much as I enjoy being an "Ajumma" here in Korea, I really hope to see women continue claiming their names proudly and not let their self identities be overridden by the fact that they are somebody’s wife and mother. 

So the next time you hear your baby’s name being called, please check before responding. ^.^

Words by: Jen Soo of TheKoreanBaby.com

Pish Posh Mommy Carryalls

  Review by: Kathy Choi Lee

Exclusive Offer: 10% off Pish Posh Mommy Bags
Use code "KOKO10" at checkout - no expiration date

For the past few weeks, I've been toting around a cute little Carryall for my diapers, wipes and little things I like to keep handy for my kids when we're on the go. My husband got me a very nice luxury bag as my mother's day gift this year and I did say I'd use it everyday - so not to let the gift go to waste in my closet. The downside to carrying diapers and wipes in my Louis Vuitton bag was that I feared the inside of my bag would get soiled. So, this is what I used for the past months since Mother's Day.

Yes, Its a Ziploc bag!! Can you imagine this in my LV bag? Yes, a little silly I'd say. So, when I saw the Pish Posh Mommy Carryall tote, I had to get my hands on one. And guess what, it's super light, roomy and yet organizes all my mommy things inside my bag. No one would know that I've got a mini diaper bag hidden away inside.

Another great thing, is that when I want to just take the diapers and wipes to the public bathroom or to hand them off to my husband when it comes to diaper change time, I just pass him the tote and off he goes to the mens room with my little one - poop and all. ^-^ 

The ladies at Pish Posh Mommy's got the right idea in creating this product. Its a must for every women's bag that wants a little diaper bag inside. You've got to check out their designs and fabrics. A perfect baby shower gift indeed!! Even if you have 4 kids already with one still in diapers, keep your fancy bag. Just throw thePish Posh Mommy bag in and voila.. instant diaper bag.. but I won't tell anyone!

Turning Back to School Stress Into Success!

Wriiten by: Jeanie Chang

I don’t know about you, but whenever I think of back-to-school, I get a little anxious and stressed and not really for my kids! You’d think I would be anxious and stressed on behalf of my four children and the fact they’re entering a new grade with a new teacher and encountering new students in their class they do not know. But I’m anxious and stressed because I know it means more work for me mentally (helping with homework, being disciplined in keeping up their piano and violin practices, chauffeuring them to their soccer practices, etc) and not knowing what to expect.

However, I’m realizing that as my children get older they are also experiencing anxiety and stress about going back to school even though they don’t quite it express that. (They are ages 10, 8, 6 and 3) This year, I’ve decided to focus on turning” stress into success” in my household! The California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT) offers these five simple tips for you to guide your children to help them adjust:

1. Branch out – Friends are the main concern for our children (and us!) when entering a new class or school. If you child is younger, organize a playdate at a local park or playground with other parents with children the same age. When my son started Kindergarten last year, that’s exactly what I did with another mom. Together, we got 8 Kindergarten boys together with their moms for a playdate at a nearby park a few days before school started so we could all get acquainted. If you have a tween or teen, encourage him/her to participate on a sports team or school club so they can build friendships with those who have common interests or hobbies.

2. Celebrate Past Success - If your child is going to a new school, remind him/her that many things will stay the same. For example, if you have an incoming Kindergartener, tell him/her there will be a teacher and recess time just like in preschool as well as some friends going to the same school.

3. Plan and Practice – Many children are reassured by routines. If your child is elementary school age, you can do a run-through to show your child how to find their classroom and the bathroom as well as the cafeteria, etc. My 1st grader is in the main school building this year and our school has a “Meet The Teacher” day two days before the start of school so that’s when I’ll be doing a dry run-through for him to see where everything is. If your child is older, you can schedule a tour of the school beforehand or even map out where their classes are located.

4. Meet the Teacher – As mentioned above, some schools have an organized “Meet the Teacher” day so they can get acquainted with their teacher before school starts. If your school does not, it’s a good idea to plan a meeting with your child’s new teacher so he/she will feel less intimidated knowing the teacher is now a familiar face.

5. Think and Act Positive – Make sure you are positive and upbeat about the change your child is experiencing, even if you are feeling some apprehension yourself. You being positive will help your child feel confident! This is something I really try to focus on as I’m nervous and stressed myself about back-to-school, but if I show my kids my anxiety, they’d only feel anxious too and that’s the last thing I want!

For us moms, here are some tips I suggest you use to prevent back to school stress:

1. We all get stressed about back to school shopping for supplies (and clothes). Why not make your life easier and purchase a school supply kit? That's what I do! My school uses SchoolKidz and we can order school supply kits ahead of time. For example, last May when my daughter was in fourth grade, I ordered a fifth grade school supply kit. That's all there was to it and it was ready to be picked up at Meet the Teacher a couple days prior to the first day of school! Check it out at www.schoolkidz.com .

2. When you see your teacher at Meet the Teacher or before the start of school, ask if you can get her contact email if it isn't already offered in their welcome letter. Teachers are more than willing to give it to you and it makes you feel better knowing you can contact your teacher when needed. One note: Don't stalk your teacher and ask needless questions because it makes him less willing to talk to you.

3. Go over bus safety and etiquette. Your child's school day begins and ends on the school bus so it's important to ensure they have a good experience. Get to know your bus driver and communicate with him/her as often as needed about any red flags you see. For example, some of the headaches I encountered last year happened on the bus. Your child may have a conflict with another student or vice versa and it happens on the bus. Always ask your child what happened so you’re clear on what happened. If you need to intervene, first talk to the bus driver. When it requires more serious action (which it did in my case), go straight to the Ass. Principal.

4. Have a family meeting several days before school to lay out a few ground rules. This is a perfect time to talk about homework rules, activities, bedtime disciplines (which is always an issue after a long summer) and snack and lunch habits. It’s a great time to communicate with your children and create an understanding between you. Much of the stress and anxiety I experience is my expectations of my children when school starts so this is the time you can share them.

5. Buy a family planner and get organized together. I can’t wait to implement this in my family. My husband and I do a lot of tag-teaming where he’ll take two kids and I’ll take two kids to various activities and events so we both need to know where the other is and where the kids are at what time and which place. A family planner can help you be less of a frazzled mom. I’ve heard great things about Anna Knapp’s Family Organizer. (www.familyorganizer.com)

If all else fails, keep in mind that your kids are now going to be in school all day (or part of the day if you have a preschooler) which means you’ll have more free time during the day and get some of your sanity back!

By: Jeanie Chang

World Breastfeeding Week 2010

This past week was World Breastfeeding Week 2010, so I had a chance to think back to my first nursing experience.  I always thought that nursing would be such a natural and easy experience that I never had a doubt in my mind that I would breastfeed my first baby.  Little did I know that it would not be as I had imagined.  The classes I took before I had my baby didn't prepare me for the challenges that faced me.

As every woman's breasts are different, every woman's experience is unique.  What happened to me might not be what you went through or will go through (if you haven't had babies yet).  I had my first baby the same week as a fellow coworker, and she did not have any problems nursing, and her milk came in right when she started feeding her baby.  My sister in law had no problems nursing either.  Of course, that made me very very jealous indeed.

When my first baby was born, she was a barracuda type of nurser.  She latched on and wanted to nurse voraciously.  Unfortunately for her, my milk had not come in, and it did not come in for 3-4 days after I had her.  During that entire time was torture as she screamed and cried when she became hungry, and she nursed so much that my nipples cracked and bled.  I remember crying as she was crying, and feeling so defeated while on the phone with my lactation consultant discussing whether to give her formula while my milk came in.  I felt the guilt of not being able to provide for her, and I had so wanted to nurse my baby.  I ended up giving her formula, and she drank like a champion.  However, my milk came in soon, and I had to deal with pain from engorgement. I could not believe that it was so difficult to do something that was supposed to be so natural.

I just read this blog post, and I agree that we have lost our way of teaching one another how to do what is natural to us.

www.blacktating.com

The story is of the orangutan bred in captivity who could not feed her baby but after being shown women breastfeeding started mimicking the action.  

Scientific advancement makes it so convenient for us to feed our babies formula from the bottle, and there's nothing wrong with that if that's the choice one has made.  However for those who have chosen to breastfeed, the support is very lacking, and with failed attempts, it's very difficult to continue to nurse.

Here are some things that I discovered after having my babies, and I hope these tips will help you if you have any issues:

1. BEFORE you have your baby, find a breastfeeding clinic and a great lactation consultant.  Not all consultants are the same, and some are much better at teaching than others.
2. BEFORE you have your baby, find a group of mothers who are willing to breastfeed in front of you and can share some tips for you.
3. If you're planning on going back to work, purchase a good pump or be prepared to rent a hospital grade pump.  Not all pumps are made a like, and it is true, the more you spend, the better the pump will be.  Pumping and actual nursing are not the same, and you will get less from a pump than if you nursed.  It also affects your supply. You MAY end up with over-production which is another problem in itself.
4. Having a baby is stressful to your body, and that stress can end up affecting your ability to "let down" the milk.  Even if you have milk in your breasts, if your let down function isn't working, you're just going to end up engorged and unable to feed your baby. Biggest tip of the day is RELAX. Turn on some calm music, darken the room if you have to, don't look down at the baby, but imagine feeding your baby in your mind while focusing on the sensation of nursing.
5. Drink LOTS of water.  Drink a whole glass of water every time you nurse.  The sensation or the thought of water can also help with let down, and it will also help your milk production to be hydrated.
6. Read up on mastitis (breast infection) and clogged ducts.  There's a lot of resources online at www.kellymom.com.

Even though I supplemented with my first, with a lot of tips and help from others, I was able to nurse 100% of the time for my second baby. I lost the ability to breastfeed with my right breast due to a biopsy I had with a cancer scare, but also with more help, I was able to nurse my baby with just one breast.  If you have the will, you can find a way.  Don't be afraid to ask for help as it is the human way to help one another.

-Michelle S.
Owner of: www.3treedesign.com | www.greenthumbfabrics.com | www.uhboohbahbaby.com

Peekadoodle Kidsclub | San Francisco Bay Area Giveaway

PEEKADOODLE KIDSCLUB GIVEAWAY!!! Scroll down for more information.



There's nothing quite as amazing - and bewildering - as becoming a parent. You always want the best for your child, but you still strive for balance. Peekadoodle Kidsclub, in the heart of Ghirardelli Square, offers little ones the largest array of educational classes in the Bay Area plus an enormous, interactive indoor PlaySpace. Your kids will be delighted with hours of exploration and fun in one central place! 

Fun For Kids...
Enter Peekadoodle Kidsclub, where you can find quality, educational, creative fun every day for children five years and younger. Peekadoodle Kidsclub is a membership-based destination where kids can enjoy our interactive PlaySpace and participate in educational enrichment classes all under one roof, in a safe and central location.

...And For You Too!
Plus, Peekadoodle Kidsclub gives you the opportunity to eat, exercise, shop, meet friends, or simply relax as the kids explore and learn in a space custom-designed to ignite their imagination. The PlaySpace is designed so that you can join your kids in creative play or keep them easily in view.

Peekadoodle Kidsclub does not provide day-care services, although we do offer reservations for up to two hours of ClubCare™ per visit at an additional charge. While you are required to stay on the premises while your kids play or attend a class, many of our classes enable you to retreat to the cafe, quiet room, store, or for a rare moment of productivity and peace while your child is engrossed in a class or playing just down the hall.

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PEEKADOODLE KIDSCLUB GIVEAWAY!!!

Peekadoodle Kidsclub is giving away a full quarter of class (generally runs 8-12 weeks) with the corresponding monthly membership to one of our group members. It's about a $700-800 value.

To Enter: Join the GROUP: San Francisco Bay Area Mommy group on KOKO Community and tell us a little about yourself in this Forum. It's that simple!

This contest ends October 1, 2010. The random winner chosen must redeem the prize by November 31, 2010 or the offer expires. 

Contact Info:

Phone:	4154407335
Address:	900 North Point Street, Suite F100 Ghirardelli Square, San Francisco, CA 94109
Website:	http://www.peekadoodlekidsclub.com