By: Jennie Won Kim | Read "Our Little 'Miracle' :: Part One
Now as I mentioned before, we were going back and forth to the doctors. The doctors started me on clomid (an oral hormone pill you take to stimulate your follicles) and decided that we should start with IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). IUI is when you're ovulating and they take your husband's swimmers, "wash" them, and insert them inside you at that perfect moment! If you're wondering what sperm washing is, it's basically when they take the best sperm and separate the good from the bad. They take the best ones and "inject" them inside the woman using a very thin catheter. During a typical month, you start clomid, go in to check your follicles (potential eggs) and get them measured with the oh so lovely "probe" to make sure that they are growing. You continue to go in every couple days, get your follicles measured again and when they seem just large enough, you go home and inject yourself (which my husband always did) with hCG to force ovulation (causing the eggs to emerge from the follicles). You go in the following morning to be inseminated. Then you go home and just hope and pray that it worked and you can take a pregnancy test two weeks later.
Depending on how many mature follicles you have, you are always warned that you can become pregnant with multiples because in a matter of 24 hours you can release one egg or several, you just don't know and for those of you wondering, yes, this is what John and Kate did to get their eight children, but no, not what Octomom did, two totally different procedures. Octomom did IVF (In Vitro Fertilization).
So... January 2005, I was taking another pregnancy test, as I had done so frequently. There was something wrong with this test, something was different, there was a faint pink line in the second window. My mind went into a whirlwind, what in the world... could it be??? I tested again and again there was that same faint line. Why couldn't it be bright pink like the control line? All of a sudden I was second guessing myself wondering if I even knew how to take a home pregnancy test that I read the directions again and again. I was anxious, heart racing, nervous laughing, palms sweating... could it be??? I called my husband and the words came rushing out of my mouth incoherently, he told me not to get my hopes up as I did every month and when he came home, he wanted to see the proof. He too was in shock, he wanted to read the directions as well and asked if I had taken the test correctly. We were both so excited, we called the doctor and had a blood test done to confirm the pregnancy.
YES! It finally happened! We savored the moment and started discussing names and themes and how to break this long awaited news to the family. We visited my mom for her birthday and surprised her with the news by presenting her with an "I love Grandma" photo frame. She was of course overjoyed and now we just had to figure out how we were going to tell my in laws. I was beyond ecstatic, I immediately shared the news with my close friends and even started telling random people that I was expecting. Now that we were finally pregnant, we were breathing a sigh of relief.
Four days before my very first prenatal appointment, it was a typical Thursday morning and as usual I was in the classroom teaching when I started to feel this strange subtle cramping. Hmmm... I was told that was typical, cramping was normal. I continued to teach the rest of the morning and walked my students to lunch. As I tried to walk to the office, I could sense that something wasn't right. The cramps were more intense and it was difficult to walk. Immediately I went to the restroom and was horrified. This can't be normal! I started to cry and tremble uncontrollably. I didn't know what to do. I tried calling my husband several times, he wasn't answering. I called the doctor and they immediately scheduled me for an appointment for that afternoon. I continued to try and call my husband and finally got a hold of him and told him to meet me at home. I found the closest person in the office and told her what was happening, she ran to my classroom, grabbed my purse and keys, and I left my students without explanation and drove home in tears.
I went home, changed my clothes, and waited for my husband. As soon as he arrived we went to the doctor's and they immediately drew some blood and did an ultrasound. There was nothing on the screen! The baby that I had already loved so dearly was nowhere to be seen. Despite what we didn't see on the ultrasound, I was still hopeful. The doctor had given me a tiny glimmer of hope, she said that we still had to wait for the blood test to be certain and it might still be too early and that sometimes you can't see the fetus on the ultrasound this early on. I held on to those words and we both prayed for our baby! I was trying to convince myself that this happens to other women and their babies are fine. I mean, how could I get pregnant after all that we've been through only to lose it! That would be too cruel!
We went home and wept as we lay together on the couch just wondering and questioning, "How could this happen?" "Didn't we deserve this baby?" "How could God give us this miracle only to take him or her away?" I was partly in shock and partly still hopeful... being hopeful was the only way that I would be able to get through the rest of the night.
I stayed home the next day and waited for the call. Finally the phone rang and the voice on the other end said, "I'm sorry to say that your hCG levels have dropped significantly." I stayed in bed that day and all weekend long. This was a sadness and devastation that I have never experienced. The same questions kept running through my mind...
Here we were, starting the journey again, more IUI's and more tests. Each and every time we were still very hopeful. We got pregnant once and now knew that at least we could get pregnant. We just had to replicate the same dosage, the same procedures and it would happen for sure. It wasn't happening... after several more attempts we weren't getting pregnant so, the doctors decided to add another drug on top of the clomid, Menopur, this was a solution that had to be mixed and injected. Ugh, I really hate needles! Gosh, why do I have to get poked and prodded all the time and all my husband has to do is pass along his little swimmers. Somehow this seemed unfair!!! I suppose this is part of that same curse of being a woman.
Again, we were trying another two years and still no baby. I have to admit, that over the course of the years, my emotions were like a swinging pendulum. At any given moment I was hopeful and eager and then bitter and angry. We went through months of trying and then months where we just couldn't handle it and wanted to give up. This cycle repeated for years. As crazy as I felt on the inside, I am not one who likes to get all emotional in front of others. I didn't really discuss the details of my infertility with too many people because I was tired of explaining what we were doing. I had met a couple of other women who were struggling and I leaned on them for support. It was nice to have someone understand what you were going through. Someone who you could talk to without constantly explaining every procedure and every emotion. My friends were supportive and tried to understand, but it was just too complicated to explain.
Since I was at that child bearing age, obviously my friends were too. I attended and hosted numerous baby showers, watched my girlfriends and fellow co-workers get pregnant and continue to get pregnant. Slowly it started to get to me, it was so difficult to go to the showers and meet all the new babies. Getting together with my friends became even more awkward, they all discussed baby topics and all I could do was sit there with a smile on my face and just nod along while on the inside I just wanted explode. I didn't want to be that "person" who couldn't be around babies or pregnant women. I wanted to celebrate with my girlfriends and wish them well.
Pregnancy is a wonderful thing and I wanted to be there to support them and love them in the process. I didn't want to ruin their moment just because I was "broken" and couldn't have the same experience. That wouldn't be fair to them. I wanted to be normal and not let my situation affect those around me. I tried really hard to put on my brave face and act as if nothing was wrong. All the while on the inside, yes, I felt as if there was this enormous hole that was never going to be filled. There were some days I would just stay in bed all day and try to sleep away the sadness.
My poor husband watched helplessly wanting somehow to help me, but there was nothing that he could do. I couldn't understand why, it just wasn't fair! I felt like a little child pouting, feeling that it was so unfair and cruel that I had this desire to have children and not being able to. I used to pray for a baby and then my prayer changed, I started to pray that my desire to be a mommy would be gone. That would solve everything, if I didn't want children, then all would be solved. I tried to convince myself and actually started to say it out loud.
When people would ask why we weren't pregnant, I would smile and just say that I didn't like children. Unfortunately, this did not work. No matter how many times I said it and how many times I tried to convince myself, the desire was still there. All we wanted was a baby!!!
Finally, so tired of all the hormones, the pills, the shots, the appointments, the side effects from all the drugs... I told my husband that I couldn't do it anymore. I was emotionally spent and becoming a mad woman. We needed to seek other alternatives.
What alternatives were there? I wanted to go to a new clinic and get other opinions. I wanted to try IVF. I wanted to adopt. I wanted to be a foster mom. I want to be a mommy!!!
(to be continued)
Jennie with her husband Peter in South Korea
Together in South Korea
Together in South Korea
Now as I mentioned before, we were going back and forth to the doctors. The doctors started me on clomid (an oral hormone pill you take to stimulate your follicles) and decided that we should start with IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). IUI is when you're ovulating and they take your husband's swimmers, "wash" them, and insert them inside you at that perfect moment! If you're wondering what sperm washing is, it's basically when they take the best sperm and separate the good from the bad. They take the best ones and "inject" them inside the woman using a very thin catheter. During a typical month, you start clomid, go in to check your follicles (potential eggs) and get them measured with the oh so lovely "probe" to make sure that they are growing. You continue to go in every couple days, get your follicles measured again and when they seem just large enough, you go home and inject yourself (which my husband always did) with hCG to force ovulation (causing the eggs to emerge from the follicles). You go in the following morning to be inseminated. Then you go home and just hope and pray that it worked and you can take a pregnancy test two weeks later.
Depending on how many mature follicles you have, you are always warned that you can become pregnant with multiples because in a matter of 24 hours you can release one egg or several, you just don't know and for those of you wondering, yes, this is what John and Kate did to get their eight children, but no, not what Octomom did, two totally different procedures. Octomom did IVF (In Vitro Fertilization).
So... January 2005, I was taking another pregnancy test, as I had done so frequently. There was something wrong with this test, something was different, there was a faint pink line in the second window. My mind went into a whirlwind, what in the world... could it be??? I tested again and again there was that same faint line. Why couldn't it be bright pink like the control line? All of a sudden I was second guessing myself wondering if I even knew how to take a home pregnancy test that I read the directions again and again. I was anxious, heart racing, nervous laughing, palms sweating... could it be??? I called my husband and the words came rushing out of my mouth incoherently, he told me not to get my hopes up as I did every month and when he came home, he wanted to see the proof. He too was in shock, he wanted to read the directions as well and asked if I had taken the test correctly. We were both so excited, we called the doctor and had a blood test done to confirm the pregnancy.
YES! It finally happened! We savored the moment and started discussing names and themes and how to break this long awaited news to the family. We visited my mom for her birthday and surprised her with the news by presenting her with an "I love Grandma" photo frame. She was of course overjoyed and now we just had to figure out how we were going to tell my in laws. I was beyond ecstatic, I immediately shared the news with my close friends and even started telling random people that I was expecting. Now that we were finally pregnant, we were breathing a sigh of relief.
Four days before my very first prenatal appointment, it was a typical Thursday morning and as usual I was in the classroom teaching when I started to feel this strange subtle cramping. Hmmm... I was told that was typical, cramping was normal. I continued to teach the rest of the morning and walked my students to lunch. As I tried to walk to the office, I could sense that something wasn't right. The cramps were more intense and it was difficult to walk. Immediately I went to the restroom and was horrified. This can't be normal! I started to cry and tremble uncontrollably. I didn't know what to do. I tried calling my husband several times, he wasn't answering. I called the doctor and they immediately scheduled me for an appointment for that afternoon. I continued to try and call my husband and finally got a hold of him and told him to meet me at home. I found the closest person in the office and told her what was happening, she ran to my classroom, grabbed my purse and keys, and I left my students without explanation and drove home in tears.
I went home, changed my clothes, and waited for my husband. As soon as he arrived we went to the doctor's and they immediately drew some blood and did an ultrasound. There was nothing on the screen! The baby that I had already loved so dearly was nowhere to be seen. Despite what we didn't see on the ultrasound, I was still hopeful. The doctor had given me a tiny glimmer of hope, she said that we still had to wait for the blood test to be certain and it might still be too early and that sometimes you can't see the fetus on the ultrasound this early on. I held on to those words and we both prayed for our baby! I was trying to convince myself that this happens to other women and their babies are fine. I mean, how could I get pregnant after all that we've been through only to lose it! That would be too cruel!
We went home and wept as we lay together on the couch just wondering and questioning, "How could this happen?" "Didn't we deserve this baby?" "How could God give us this miracle only to take him or her away?" I was partly in shock and partly still hopeful... being hopeful was the only way that I would be able to get through the rest of the night.
I stayed home the next day and waited for the call. Finally the phone rang and the voice on the other end said, "I'm sorry to say that your hCG levels have dropped significantly." I stayed in bed that day and all weekend long. This was a sadness and devastation that I have never experienced. The same questions kept running through my mind...
Here we were, starting the journey again, more IUI's and more tests. Each and every time we were still very hopeful. We got pregnant once and now knew that at least we could get pregnant. We just had to replicate the same dosage, the same procedures and it would happen for sure. It wasn't happening... after several more attempts we weren't getting pregnant so, the doctors decided to add another drug on top of the clomid, Menopur, this was a solution that had to be mixed and injected. Ugh, I really hate needles! Gosh, why do I have to get poked and prodded all the time and all my husband has to do is pass along his little swimmers. Somehow this seemed unfair!!! I suppose this is part of that same curse of being a woman.
Again, we were trying another two years and still no baby. I have to admit, that over the course of the years, my emotions were like a swinging pendulum. At any given moment I was hopeful and eager and then bitter and angry. We went through months of trying and then months where we just couldn't handle it and wanted to give up. This cycle repeated for years. As crazy as I felt on the inside, I am not one who likes to get all emotional in front of others. I didn't really discuss the details of my infertility with too many people because I was tired of explaining what we were doing. I had met a couple of other women who were struggling and I leaned on them for support. It was nice to have someone understand what you were going through. Someone who you could talk to without constantly explaining every procedure and every emotion. My friends were supportive and tried to understand, but it was just too complicated to explain.
Since I was at that child bearing age, obviously my friends were too. I attended and hosted numerous baby showers, watched my girlfriends and fellow co-workers get pregnant and continue to get pregnant. Slowly it started to get to me, it was so difficult to go to the showers and meet all the new babies. Getting together with my friends became even more awkward, they all discussed baby topics and all I could do was sit there with a smile on my face and just nod along while on the inside I just wanted explode. I didn't want to be that "person" who couldn't be around babies or pregnant women. I wanted to celebrate with my girlfriends and wish them well.
Pregnancy is a wonderful thing and I wanted to be there to support them and love them in the process. I didn't want to ruin their moment just because I was "broken" and couldn't have the same experience. That wouldn't be fair to them. I wanted to be normal and not let my situation affect those around me. I tried really hard to put on my brave face and act as if nothing was wrong. All the while on the inside, yes, I felt as if there was this enormous hole that was never going to be filled. There were some days I would just stay in bed all day and try to sleep away the sadness.
My poor husband watched helplessly wanting somehow to help me, but there was nothing that he could do. I couldn't understand why, it just wasn't fair! I felt like a little child pouting, feeling that it was so unfair and cruel that I had this desire to have children and not being able to. I used to pray for a baby and then my prayer changed, I started to pray that my desire to be a mommy would be gone. That would solve everything, if I didn't want children, then all would be solved. I tried to convince myself and actually started to say it out loud.
When people would ask why we weren't pregnant, I would smile and just say that I didn't like children. Unfortunately, this did not work. No matter how many times I said it and how many times I tried to convince myself, the desire was still there. All we wanted was a baby!!!
Finally, so tired of all the hormones, the pills, the shots, the appointments, the side effects from all the drugs... I told my husband that I couldn't do it anymore. I was emotionally spent and becoming a mad woman. We needed to seek other alternatives.
What alternatives were there? I wanted to go to a new clinic and get other opinions. I wanted to try IVF. I wanted to adopt. I wanted to be a foster mom. I want to be a mommy!!!
(to be continued)
Don't give up hope. In your heart you were born to be a mommy. whether its through IVF or adoption.
Posted by: [email protected] | May 4, 2010 at 08:22 AM
I feel your pain, very close friend of mine went through the same thing you guys are going through... and did IVF... now they are blessed with a boy and a girl, at the same time.
I wish you and your husband all the best and make sure you guys always keep focus on the love for each other first.
My prayers are with you and your husband.
Posted by: Jessie Mattingly | April 27, 2010 at 11:13 AM
I wish you all the best! I am currently going through the process of donating an egg in the hope of helping couples like you. :)
Posted by: Christine | April 26, 2010 at 07:18 PM