Blog Post #19
By: Lisa H.
I know I have so much further to go as a mother, but I have learned so much in my 13 years.
So much of what I have learned is because of the children we adopted. I learned things about attachment and bonding that I would never have learned, otherwise. You assume a child born to you will just attach and bond, but that is not necessarily true. Bonding is not instantaneous and a given just because they were born to you. I read about holding and how important it was to hold my newly adopted child as much as possible so they will know who their mother is and who meets their daily needs. I didn't learn this until we adopted our 2nd child though. The Internet wasn't crawling with adoption groups like it is now and there are few adoptive families where we live...still today.
I bought carriers for our 2nd daughter's arrival. I carried her everywhere. I cleaned the house, did the dishes and everything else with her on my back. She is now 4 1/2 and EXTREMELY attached to momma. I wasn't that way with our first daughter. I didn't know any better and back then adoption agencies didn't push the literature. If you didn't know it was out there you were just at a loss. And, well, attachment was pretty taboo as a subject back then too.
I can say our 7-year-old daughter is attached, but not as securely as our 4 year old. I made so many mistakes with our oldest son too. When he was born, independence in a baby was a good thing. It was always so impressive to see them venture out and walk early, etc. He was very independent and we let him be. Then there is the trauma of being separated from us for his open-heart surgery when he was still very young. No one told me that this trauma could affect our relationship to each other. He's not near as attached as our middle son, but once I was educated we began working at it. Our middle son loved to be held and cuddled, so we took his cues and did so. Don’t get me wrong. We didn’t neglect him or even close. But, if he arched his back and wanted down we let him down. We thought that was best always. We didn’t know.
We should have pushed our oldest daughter and son to be held more. They are fine, ultimately, but I can see how it would have helped them, their self-esteem and security to have done so. Our middle son and youngest daughter are so much more confident and independent now as well as being able to show their love more openly without caring what anyone else thinks. Our middle son still kisses momma on the lips. I love that he does that. So with our youngest son, I carry and I carry and I carry. He was okay with not being held and just playing on the floor, just like sister Chelsi. But I pushed her and I pushed him and he loves to play, but doesn't mind sitting with mom or dad for cuddle time. I carry him while I do dishes and he hugs me around my waist. I know the good we are doing him. Even daddy will strap him into the carrier to get things done and continue bonding.
By far, our youngest son got the best part of us. We are better parents today then we were yesterday. I wish we had known more. I know I need to let that go. That was the time. Things have changed. Parenting has changed. This is the way life is. I wish all parents could read some of the literature out there for adoptive parents. It is truly so helpful and makes so much sense. Some of it may just be changing though and some parents maybe already doing some of these things due to changing times and that's GREAT! We finally learned that they will crawl, they will walk and they will talk. We don't have to rush them through everything. They just need us first; just us and our time and contact. With each child we’ve added, I feel a deeper relationship to them. I feel a deeper love. I add room to my heart with each of them and I grow.
Read more posts by Lisa HERE.
Leave Lisa a comment!! She'd love to hear from you. Ask questions or say HI!
Thank you for sharing this unique perspective with us. I think I'm going to pick my son up and hug him right now. =)
Posted by: M | February 16, 2010 at 08:53 AM