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Korean Adoption

Blog Post #21
By: Lisa H.

Here is something I wrote a little over 3 years ago. It was right when Korea changed the rules for international adoption.

"I rarely say much about this. All-in-all I think it's a great step for South Korea and their children.

Now that being said, I know this article is old, but this part of it bothers me some;

"While adoption is considered as a way to carry out spirit of noblesse oblige or giving help to society abroad, Koreans tend to choose adoption for getting pure joy of rearing children,''' said Cho Min-hye, an official at the Mission to Promote Adoption in Korea."

I believe, and this is only my opinion, that the vast majority of adoptive parents abroad do not at all view adoption, from any country, as "noblesse oblige or giving help to society abroad". Yes, there is publicity on occasion of the Hollywood folks adopting and mentioning this, but most of us 'regular' families do not view adoption in that regard.

To be honest, our family has NEVER viewed the adoption of our two South Korean born daughters as saving a child or helping anyone. The only way we've viewed it is that we prayed for more children, couldn't have them biologically anymore due to reasons of a personal nature, and we truly believe they just happened to be born in Korea. We love our daughters as much as we would if they were biologically born to us. And yes, as any other family who continues to give birth to additional children, we wanted more for the joy of raising them.

I hope that the wonderful people living in South Korea, our daughter's homeland and a piece of our hearts, understand the reasons behind most adoptions abroad. They are, very much, for the love of our children as they are, "our children"."

I wrote this on the heels of coming changes to Korean adoption in 2007. After we adopted our second daughter Korea felt it was better for children to not be referred abroad until they were 5 months old. This, they felt, would give the babies time to be adopted by Korean families, domestically. The rate of Korean adoptions, within the country, was rising so it made sense. Supposedly, this rule was not going to apply to special needs children. They were going to be allowed to be referred inter-country, sooner than 5 months, because children considered special needs had an extremely low rate of adoption within Korea. I’ve seen very few that were allowed to be referred prior to 5 months, special needs or not, over the past 3 years. There are now articles from Korean newspapers such as this one http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/nation/2010/02/117_60790.html

Adoption is second best for the children. It’s best, if possible, to remain in an intact family, but there are so many things that keep this from happening. It doesn’t matter what country, it’s just the way it is. It probably is best for children to remain in their birth country. I honestly don’t know. I’ve never read an article from an adult domestic adoptee. The truth is that children are adopted from the US to other countries as well. It depends on acceptance. Sadly, media shows they are African-American children as the majority. But, maybe it isn’t so sad if they find the home and country they are accepted in, by their family and for the interracial family that they may now exist in? There’s no hard-fast, right or wrong. In the end, all that should matter is what’s best for the kids. Once they are relinquished for adoption it becomes about the child.

So, if a child is determined to have potential special needs or does have existing special needs and statistics are showing that they will not be adopted within the country, is it best for them to be referred to another country where there are ample families ready and waiting with the ability to care for and love that child? I think so. Healthy babies are adopted domestically. So, is that best for the child…I think so. I think the point is to find a baby/child the best possible family for them as quickly as possible. The quicker they are adopted the more time for adjustment for the child to the new family and possible environment. Stopping adoptions scares me honestly. This is what Korean government is discussing and has been for some time. What if this causes babies/children to remain in orphanages after relinquishment because there aren’t enough foster homes to go around? This is not in the best interest of a child. It’s never been in
the best interest to grow up in an institution anywhere. While, I hope that more children are adopted domestically and the barriers that prevent or discourage this are torn down, I hope that the children who are not chosen do not suffer for it and still find their forever families as quickly as possible. Sadly, as my own country has not found a good solution to this, I’m not sure it’s possible. I hope Korea finds a better solution to children without parents than the US. Our foster care system leaves something greatly to be desired and I don’t, honestly, feel it is always geared towards the best interested of the children.

These, of course, are just my opinions, but as an adoptive parent that greatly loves her children I can’t imagine any one of them staying in Korea and living their lives out in an orphanage purely because they were (2 were determined) determined special needs and therefore not allowed, in essence, to be adopted. I pray that Korea still holds the importance of keeping biology intact, if possible. I can’t imagine that just because international adoptions halt, biological siblings may not have the chance to be together as ours were kept together. I cry just thinking about my baby boy not being here for me to have the honor of loving and he and his sister being together everyday of their lives. They get to know each other and I am beyond thankful to Korea for this and putting our children first after relinquishment. He is our only child that would be considered healthy, so they only thing that may have prevented him from being adopted domestically
was being a boy.

The last time, a couple of years ago, we went to a university event for Asian Affairs we were cornered by a Korean man who was there with his wife, who was a visiting scholar to the university. The president invited us as he is Korean-American and the barbeque was open to anyone Korean, including our children. When he cornered me he began raising his voice at me for stealing Korea’s children….our daughters. He saw that we already had two biological children and didn’t feel it was necessary for us to take the girls too. I tried to explain that they were born with special needs and what Korea considered issues and were not deemed adoptable in country. But, on the outside, our girls appear perfectly perfect. No one knows all the things that caused them to be labeled this way in Korea. We don’t give out all the details of our girls because they are theirs. I guess the point is that it’s hard for us too.

Adoption can be such a balancing act. Balancing what is best for the kids and actually making it work. I can’t imagine a country that doesn’t struggle with it. It’s too difficult of a situation not to. I just hope that, in the end, all children find what makes them happy.

Korea's Questions and Answers

Blog Post #20
By: Lisa H.

The first time, and so far only time, I’ve set foot on Korean soil was in May 2009 when my friend and I brought my daughters to Korea to pick up my son. Our daughters arrived in the United States via agency escorts. This was a trip our 7 year old and I had talked about making since she was 3, so we could experience it for the first time together.

Downtown Seoul, Korea

She has always talked about Korea. She and I even set up a savings account to throw a little money in here and there, to save to go. We planned to go before she was a teenager and we would need all those years to save. When we got the call that our daughter had a little brother in Korea we emptied that travel account to pay for our adoption trip instead.

Kaelin has always talked about her thoughts of her Korean mother very openly. She has always asked questions. “What does she look like?”, etc. All of the questions you might wonder if you had never seen the woman who gave you life. Our 4-year-old daughter had never questioned Korea, her life there or her Korean family. To her, I think, we were all that was concrete: we loved her, we adopted her, we were her forever family.

We have always openly discussed whatever they wanted to talk about regarding their adoptions. Sometimes we opened up a conversation that may or may not end quickly, depending on what the girls decided. Sometimes Kaelin opened up the conversation. Never was it Chelsi. We have also talked about their Korean foster mothers. They have pictures of them and their life together in Korea, so I think it was easier for them because they could see their life in color.

The thing that surprised me most about our wonderful trip to Seoul was what happened after we got home. For Kaelin, it seemed to have answered questions. She quit talking about Korea so much. I think, for her, it was this place that may or may not exist and people that may or may not exist. Going there answered the thoughts in her head. She used to confuse her foster mother and Korean mother. She now understood the difference. Chelsi finally opened up some conversations about her adoption after our trip. I think she kept more of her thoughts inside and the trip made things real enough to talk about. It was a great thing for both of them.

While we were there we made arrangements, ahead of time, to visit with the women who cared for them while they waited for us; their foster mothers. Each agency took great care to make these visits possible. I begged them to find Kaelin’s because it would have broke her heart to not have seen her, but been so close. And even though Chelsi was completely reserved through her visit she talks about it nonstop now. Kaelin sang the Three Bears song to her foster mother and they hugged and she shed some happy tears to see this little girl she loved so much, 6 years later. It’s not all that often these foster mothers get to see these babies again. Chelsi’s foster mothers said that in the 6 years she has fostered, and 12 children, Chelsi is the 2nd to visit. They both, amazingly, remembered small details of the girls’ time with them. It was a great opportunity to see these women I had never met or thanked them, in person, for loving my girls. It
was great to verify that the letters I make sure to write every year are being received. Kaelin’s foster mother even apologized for never responding over the years, but thanked us for writing so she could see pictures and know that Kaelin was doing well. This made all those letters so worth it for me to write. She gave me all I needed to continue writing those letters and sending pictures every year. And, I know our trip meant a lot to these women as well. This past Christmas, for the first time, Kaelin received a Christmas card from her foster mother. It completely made her day to get that card all the way from Korea. Chelsi had received a note from her foster mother about a year after she came home, I have been able to email Jaemin’s foster sister and write his foster mother (direct to their home), but Kaelin never had anything, until now.

You see we all got what we needed, at the time, out of that trip. Besides bringing home a son and little brother, Kaelin and I got questions answered, Chelsi got concrete evidence of her past to give her the ability to talk about it and Kaelin had some voids filled.

We are planning to return to Korea as a family of 7, if we can afford it in a few years. We are saving every month now. The girls had such a wonderful time that Chase is now super excited about the trip too. We hope to go before our littlest man goes to school and our oldest graduates from high school….all in the same year. I find myself daydreaming about this trip already. Praying we get the chance to meet with all three foster mothers again. Looking forward to smelling and hearing sweet Seoul again. There’s nothing I don’t look forward to about Korea except the cost of going. It’s a trip of a lifetime for our family to make together. One that all of us look forward to and since the kids will be a few years older when we go I have no doubt new questions will again be answered.

Deoksugung Palace



Korean Folk Village Pots, Korea



Korean Folk Village Girls on Teeter, Korea

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The mistakes I've made

Blog Post #19
By: Lisa H.

I know I have so much further to go as a mother, but I have learned so much in my 13 years.

So much of what I have learned is because of the children we adopted. I learned things about attachment and bonding that I would never have learned, otherwise. You assume a child born to you will just attach and bond, but that is not necessarily true. Bonding is not instantaneous and a given just because they were born to you. I read about holding and how important it was to hold my newly adopted child as much as possible so they will know who their mother is and who meets their daily needs. I didn't learn this until we adopted our 2nd child though. The Internet wasn't crawling with adoption groups like it is now and there are few adoptive families where we live...still today.

I bought carriers for our 2nd daughter's arrival. I carried her everywhere. I cleaned the house, did the dishes and everything else with her on my back. She is now 4 1/2 and EXTREMELY attached to momma. I wasn't that way with our first daughter. I didn't know any better and back then adoption agencies didn't push the literature. If you didn't know it was out there you were just at a loss. And, well, attachment was pretty taboo as a subject back then too.

I can say our 7-year-old daughter is attached, but not as securely as our 4 year old. I made so many mistakes with our oldest son too. When he was born, independence in a baby was a good thing. It was always so impressive to see them venture out and walk early, etc. He was very independent and we let him be. Then there is the trauma of being separated from us for his open-heart surgery when he was still very young. No one told me that this trauma could affect our relationship to each other. He's not near as attached as our middle son, but once I was educated we began working at it. Our middle son loved to be held and cuddled, so we took his cues and did so. Don’t get me wrong. We didn’t neglect him or even close. But, if he arched his back and wanted down we let him down. We thought that was best always. We didn’t know.

We should have pushed our oldest daughter and son to be held more. They are fine, ultimately, but I can see how it would have helped them, their self-esteem and security to have done so. Our middle son and youngest daughter are so much more confident and independent now as well as being able to show their love more openly without caring what anyone else thinks. Our middle son still kisses momma on the lips. I love that he does that. So with our youngest son, I carry and I carry and I carry. He was okay with not being held and just playing on the floor, just like sister Chelsi. But I pushed her and I pushed him and he loves to play, but doesn't mind sitting with mom or dad for cuddle time. I carry him while I do dishes and he hugs me around my waist. I know the good we are doing him. Even daddy will strap him into the carrier to get things done and continue bonding.

By far, our youngest son got the best part of us. We are better parents today then we were yesterday. I wish we had known more. I know I need to let that go. That was the time. Things have changed. Parenting has changed. This is the way life is. I wish all parents could read some of the literature out there for adoptive parents. It is truly so helpful and makes so much sense. Some of it may just be changing though and some parents maybe already doing some of these things due to changing times and that's GREAT! We finally learned that they will crawl, they will walk and they will talk. We don't have to rush them through everything. They just need us first; just us and our time and contact. With each child we’ve added, I feel a deeper relationship to them. I feel a deeper love. I add room to my heart with each of them and I grow.



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Navigating the City

Those of you who know me know that I have lots of anxiety. I've been scared out of my mind to take Ben outside!! I'm completely envious of mommies who've been able to do this since day one and have mastered the art of taking their babies out!

Perhaps this all stems from the Korean "one month rule", which many different Asian cultures have variations of. During pregnancy, my mom would constantly remind me that I was so lucky to be having Ben in the winter since according to the rule, both baby and mommy are not allowed to leave the home for a month. (To my non-Korean readers, YES! I'm not kidding. ONE MONTH of being stuck indoors! ) She explained that it had something to do with allowing time for the baby's immune system to build up and for mommy's body to completely heal. Since it was too cold to go out anyway, she believed that it was in my favor. I wouldn't feel badly about not going out.

Unfortunately, this backfired. During the first month, I became restless and claustrophobic. Talk about a bad case of cabin fever! Winters are already hard enough to deal with in the city since it's so gloomy out which causes one to become more and more introverted. Imagine being confined in a tiny apartment, not by choice! It was just Ben and me for 8.5 hours where I'd be having one-way conversations. Ben wasn't smiling yet, so it really felt like I was talking to myself!

Anyhows, if you've read my earlier post, you know that Ben and I finally went out on his 1 month birthday on a short trip 3 blocks away to the 86th Street H&M. I thought that I'd be dying to get out since I'd been stuck in the apartment for what seemed like an eternity. I thought that this day would go down in the books as a day to remember! I found myself, however, scared out of my mind to take him out! My mom had instilled the fear of GOD in me. "It's too cold to take him out. He's going to get sick. Taking care of a sick baby is the worst. etc. etc..."

In addition to these fears, so many other things crossed my mind. What if this and what if that? The scariest thing then and now has been worrying about feeding and changing Ben. Where would I be able to do these things? Fortunately, while surfing the net, I found something that hopefully will come in handy.

Where can I find a changing table when Ben has an accident and needs to be changed? Where can I find a kid-friendly restaurant nearby?

Well, there's an app for that!

Introducing...... the iKidNY iPhone application!! Navigating the city just got easier! The iKidNY iPhone app was developed by a NYC mom who just wanted to make her life a little easier. Features include the following:

- super easy one touch navigation
- interactive neighborhood map for searching anywhere in the 5 boroughs
- one touch auto connect to all phone numbers and websites
- detailed directions to any location
- and much more!



I'm not going to lie. Has this changed my life immediately? Absolutely not. Have I left the house yet? No, but I know that once I get over my fear of stepping out into the world, I'll have access to this information at my fingertips and will have one less thing to worry about. For a mere $2.99 on iTunes, I think it's been a godsend. A huge shout out to the mama who made this app. You've made my life a whole lot simpler and less worrisome!

http://www3.timeoutny.com/newyork/kids/blog/2009/10/20/ikidny-an-iphone-app-for-nyc-parents/

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I Can Do It!

Look at how ridiculous Ben looks in his snowsuit. He no longer fits into his adorable newborn sized one, so we had to make do with what we had -- a 6 month one. I think he looks cute in this too, but that's my opinion.



A few days ago, we received a notice under our door stating that the building was going to be without heat the following day from the hours of 8AM-8PM. Of course, I was freaking out because the thought of a 7 week-old infant in an apartment with no heat in the dead of winter is not okay.

My friend in San Fran said it best... SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT WOULD HAPPEN IN NEW YORK CITY!

Earlier that morning, we decided to turn the heat on at full blast while we were still able to. At exactly 8am, the warm air switched to being cold. I put layers of clothing on him and blankets, but his cheeks continued being cold. Eventually, I decided to take him out to Barnes and Nobles because it was unbearable!! Now, you need to understand that I've been petrified to leave the house alone with Ben. I worry that something will bad will happen while I'm out and I won't be able to deal with it. But this was ultimately a turning point for me because I had to do it and I did it. And, I'm proud of myself for facing my fear.

I couldn't believe how many other strollers I saw at BN. The place was packed with mommies/nannies and their babies. The children's section was filled with people with toddlers either perusing or throwing books and the cafe was filled with those who had younger infants. One mommy caught my attention immediately as her child, who looked not much older than Ben, began crying. She didn't stop from reading her magazine as her baby cried. Only after at least what seemed to be a minute did she use her leg to push the stroller back and forth as she continued reading. She did this for about 2 minutes until you could no longer hear the cries. She didn't need to glance at her child for a second. "Wow!", I thought to myself. She's a pro at this!

I'm constantly amazed by so many moms. They're the moms who take their infants out even when it's freezing outside because they want their child to see how beautiful it is when it snows outside. I'd be too worried that Ben would get sick. They're the moms who put their infants into a baby carrier and take them on the subway to wherever they need to go. I'd be too worried that something would happen on my subway ride, even though I've been taking the subway since I was a child. These mommies don't let anything stop them from doing what they need or want to do. They're not scared like me.

I want to be like them.




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A Week of Smiles

When going through training to become a teacher, one has to take classes in psychology and child development in addition to those in education. Everyone told me that having this additional knowledge would be great especially for when I had kids. I never thought that having this knowledge would actually be detrimental!

Whenever Ben reaches a milestone in his life, yes, we celebrate with hugs and kisses! We feel as if he's accomplished something huge each time. But, when he doesn't do something that I think he "should" be doing according to child development, I worry. What if this... what if that... And those of you who know me, I worry too much to begin with. Plus, having recently attended an autism workshop while on maternity leave hasn't helped either. They always say, " Every child is different in his/her development" and I'm so used to saying that to parents during conferences, but now that we're speaking about MY child, things are so different. (I'll have to dedicate an entire post about my shift of perspective on dealing with parents of my students. More to come later...)

I had been worried for some time (5 days) because Ben wasn't "socially smiling". There were those subtle ones like that little smirk on his face after a good poop. You know exactly what I'm talking about! Those worries, however, quickly went away when I realized that he had been smiling all along. Ben smiles with his eyes. For some reason, I had expected those smiles to look differently. Maybe a bit more exaggerated with giggles and such. Don't ask me why!

Ben smiles randomly throughout the day. The best is when he spots one of us early in the morning. He tries to make eye contact. Then, he looks straight into our eyes and greets us with the best smile. As every new parent can attest to this, this makes our hearts melt.

What's especially rewarding now is the fact that there is something being reciprocated. Up until now, he just stared into space, ate, and cried when he needed something or was uncomfortable. It was hard having one-sided conversations all day while being alone with him for 9 hours from about 8 am-5pm. Although he is still unable to have a spoken conversation with me, he's able to contribute to our conversations with his smiles and coos.

I admit that I do still feel lonely during the hours when it's just Ben and me, but I have to say that things have gotten much better. He shows me that he loves me his subtle ways. I just have to be on the look out.

Let this be a source of strength and inspiration to newer parents who are feeling lonely and anxious. Your child WILL reciprocate some form of affection and it'll feel SO good! Hang in there.









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Man of Many Hats

Ben and I went on our first trip after our month of isolation in the apartment to H&M! When we got to the children's section, I was surprised to find the cutest little hat. Knowing that Ben has a relatively big head, I opted to buy it in a size for 4-6 month olds. I knew that the hat would go perfectly with a lambskin coat that was gifted to us by my aunt.

Here are the photos. Joon and I can't stop laughing when we look at these. Enjoy!









We also received another cute hat from a family friend, so we had to take tons of photos of him with that one on too!








Two more hats that are so cute.




My mom recently shared some stories from my childhood and she mentioned that when I was a little girl, I wouldn't leave the house unless I had a purse to complete my outfit. This is quite ironic considering how tomboy-ish I was growing up.

Anyway, my mom said that she wants Ben to always have a hat on when he leaves the house to complete his outfits. Hope these photos temporarily satisfy her desire. We'll see what happens when we start taking him out more often.



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My List of First-Time Mommy Must Haves

My Personal Must Haves: (I've put the brands we use in parenthesis)

1. Diapers (Pampers Swaddlers)-- you'll need TONS and TONS of these
2. Wipes (Huggies Sensitive)
3. Changing Pad
4. Nursing Pillow (I swear by the Boppy)
5. Carseat (Graco Snugride)
6. Stroller (Bugaboo Cameleon)
7. Diaper bag (Hop and Skip Dash Deluxe)
8. Baby Carrier (Baby Bjorn Air)
9. Bathtub (Fisher-Price Precious Planet Whale of a Tub)
10. Drying Rack (First Years Spin and Store Dry Rack)
11. Bottles (Born Free)
12. Swaddling Blanket (Miracle Blanket)
13. Diaper Pail (Diaper Dekor Plus)
14. Camera (Canon Rebel xsi)

For nursing mommies:
1. Nursing Pillow (Boppy)
2. Double Electric Pump (Lansinoh)
3. Breast Milk Storage Bags (Lansinoh)
4. Breast Milk Storage Bottles (Lansinoh)
5. Nursing Wrap (Hooter Hiders)
6. Baby Vitamin-Trivisol


Advice to First-time mommies from a First-Time Mommy:

We've spent lots of money of our own and were gifted things costing tons of money that Ben hasn't particularly liked. Not only have they been a waste of money, they're creating more clutter than our apartment can hold!

Some parents swear by bouncy chairs, for example, and their babies can't live without them, but others find that their babies hate them. Ask a friend if you can borrow these for a few days before making the purchase. You'll save yourself money and you could buy something you need with that money... like more diapers!!


What are some of your mommy must-haves? Has anyone used any of these items?

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Different Poses Captured

It seems like every few seconds when Ben is asleep, he is in a new position. Here are some I've been able to capture thus far.

...doing martial arts in his sleep with his binky in his mouth...


...boxing.... put up your dukes!


...walk like an Egyptian...


...fencing....en garde!


...thinking....E=mc2!


I wonder if any of these pictures are predictive of what the future has in store for Ben. My husband, Joon, wants him to become a lefty pitcher for the NY Mets. I, on the other hand, want him to do something that makes him happy and that will make a difference in the world. If we could only predict the future... But then again, I guess that's what makes life fun-- not knowing what the future has in store for us.

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Life Lessons: Reflections on an Asian-American Childhood

Life Lessons: Reflections on an Asian-American Childhood

Written by: Beverly O’Neal

 

As the Lunar New Year approaches, I find myself thinking about how my experiences growing up as an Asian American have shaped the adult and mom I am today. More importantly, I’m also reflecting on what aspects of my culture I’d like my children – who are half Taiwanese, half Caucasian – to carry with them.

 

My parents moved to California from Taiwan after they married. I was born in Los Angeles three years later, in the fall of 1980. After my sister was born in 1985, my family moved to Taiwan, then back again to Southern California shortly before my eighth birthday. Now that I’m an adult, I recognize how lucky I am to have lived both in America and in my parents’ homeland. But, as a child, I resented moving around so often, and I felt like an outcast everywhere we went. In Taiwan, I lagged behind the other kids academically, especially in math (we were beginning multiplication tables and fractions in second grade!). After moving back to the States, I felt even more out of place as the only Asian kid in third grade.

 

On my first day at school back in California, I stood in front of the class, silently panicking as the teacher introduced me to the class (at least, that’s what I assumed she was doing, since I couldn’t understand a word she was saying). I noted with dismay that the other kids were wearing T-shirts and shorts, and the girls had their hair down. As if being the lone Asian girl wasn’t bad enough, I was dressed in an embroidered gray jumper over a short-sleeved white blouse with a lacy peter pan collar, white tights and black mary janes. My grandmother had taken half an hour to plait an elaborate crown of intertwining french braids on my thick black hair. The other kids stared, and a couple of girls started whispering and giggling. At recess that day, those girls came up to me, smiled and asked me a bunch of questions. I eagerly answered each question with one of the two words I knew: “yes” or “no.” This sent them into screeching fits of laughter. I was puzzled but happy to have some friends. Eventually a teacher overheard and led the girls away; I later learned that they had been asking questions like, “Are you fat? Are you stupid? Are you ugly?” and laughing when I’d say “yes.” The teasing and bullying took other forms, too -- everything from my clothes to the lunches I brought (which weren’t PB&Js cut into triangles, but rather fish balls, rice and dumplings) was fair game. One day, the girls recruited a boy to push me down from the monkey bars, and as I lay flat on my back, they stood over me, lifted up the corners of their eyes and chanted, “Ching-chong, ching-chong” in a singsong voice.

 

My mom told me the best way to get back at those girls would be to work hard so they couldn’t do that to me again, and that people who were mean to others wouldn’t end up doing too well. With her help at home and special classes at school, my English improved quickly. In a few months, I had the top grades in reading, writing and spelling. I had also made a few friends, and to this day, I’m grateful for their kindness and resistance to peer pressure.

 

As I grew up, I started to appreciate my Asian-American upbringing. My experience being an an outsider in those early years taught me to be empathetic and kind to others. During college and my early working years, my ability to identify with those who weren’t part of the “in crowd” allowed me to bridge friendship groups and form connections with people whom I might have otherwise overlooked. Seeing how hard my parents worked to provide a good life for me and my sister, and hearing them tell us that “almost anything can be fixed by hard work” instilled a strong work ethic in me, which continues to serve me well as I juggle my roles as a full-time mom and part-time writer.

 

I also love the close family ties so prevalent in most Asian cultures – when I hear non-Asian friends complain that they have no help with the kids, or no emotional support from their families, I am extra grateful for my family. I enjoyed an extremely close relationship with my maternal grandmother, who lived with us from the time I was a baby until she passed away three years ago, and now I’m watching my kids form close bonds with my mom. As much as I sometimes roll my eyes at her old-school admonishments (“Don’t go outside for a month after you have a baby!” or “You’re throwing away that tiny bit of leftover rice? How wasteful!”), I also know that she will always make me, my husband and our kids a priority, and that I’m never truly alone.

 

Then there are the simply cool aspects of being raised in a traditional Taiwanese family: I can speak three languages (English, Mandarin and Taiwanese), I know where to go for the best authentic Asian food, and I have an instant vacation spot (I have close relatives still in Taiwan, and my parents also own a home there). A year after we got married, my husband, in-laws and I took a trip to Taiwan, and I was proud to show them around and have them meet my extended family. I felt like I was showing them a new, deeper side of me.

 

Last year, around the Lunar New Year, I flew back with my then-18-month-old son, Jack. I was four months pregnant at the time and knew that I wouldn’t be able to make such a trip for a long time. We spent time at my parents’ home in Taipei, and Jack attended his first Chinese New Year’s Eve meal, a banquet of more than 20 dishes that lasted well past his bedtime. He met and bonded with my uncle and cousins, and he eagerly took in all the new sights, sounds and smells. My heart swelled as I saw Jack greedily eating the sweet guavas and wax apples that I’d loved as a child in Taiwan. My only regret from the trip is that he won’t be able to remember the great time that we had.

 

As my sons grow up, I want to give them the very best aspects of my culture. I want them to be fluent Mandarin speakers, to participate in traditional celebrations, to enjoy all sorts of Asian food, to always prioritize family, and to know that there is so much out in the world for them to experience if they go about life with open minds and hearts.

 

Oh, and those mean girls from third grade? Last I heard, they were still living with their parents in our old neighborhood. Thanks, Mom – you were right, as always.

 

Beverly O’Neal is a full-time mom to two sons – a two-year-old toddler and a seven-month-old baby – and a part-time writer living in Southern California. Prior to becoming a mom, Beverly worked as a benefits communication consultant in Chicago, New York and Los Angeles. She received her bachelor’s and master’s degrees in journalism from Northwestern University.

Beverly's parenting articles on the examiner.com can be found here or paste URL below.
URL: http://www.examiner.com/x-33464-South-Bay-Parenting-Examiner