By: Lisa H.
I think there are many preconceived ideas about adoption and adoptive
parents/adoptive families. While these aren’t true for every person out
there, they do exist. So I wanted to debunk some of the 'myths', so to
speak, that I know others have thought, I may have at one time thought
or experienced.
Myth/Perception #1 - "You pick your child."
Truth #1
In some adoption programs you do, indeed, pick your child. One of the ones I'm aware of is Russia. You go to the orphanage and literally select a child. I'm glad this was not the way the Korean program worked. With the Korean program, you are offered the referral (or paperwork assignment) for a child. With our 3, there have never been photos involved until we felt able to say yes based on the paperwork; which contains what medical history they have, etc. A Russian adoptee actually stopped me one morning after church, shortly after our oldest daughter arrived home, and told me that we picked such a cute baby and a good one. I just smiled because there was no way she could have known the Korean program was so different than the Russian program she was adopted through.
Myth/Perception #2 - "Adoption is only for the rich."
Truth #2
If that were the case there would be few adoptive families. I have no doubt that there are plenty of adoptive families that are, by my standards, wealthy. But, most of the ones I know are about where we are; some a little higher income and some a little lower. We both work full-time and are considered middle class and probably lower to middle class at that. But, most families like ours, that adopt, have found ways to afford it and are generally pretty good with budgeting, so we do not have a problem raising our children, it's coming up with upfront funds to adopt. Of course, there are also grants available for lower income families, especially if it's a special needs child you are adopting. We qualified twice through Show Hope for this and have done what’s necessary to come up with the funds to bring our children to us. Most parents make sacrifices for their children whether biological or adopted. We are no different.
Myth/Perception #3 - "People adopt to save a child."
My Truth #3
Not, regularly the case. Social workers must do a thorough interview and background check on any prospective family. They always ask the motive for adoption. You must actually 'want' another child to love and raise and be there for. They're pretty careful and ask what some would consider very intrusive questions. But, they're not working for the adoptive family; they are working for the adopted child. So, while some people do or have adopted because they're trying 'not to put more people on the Earth and these little ones already exist, so why not' or 'I need to save them from the life they have', I don't think that's the majority or the original motivating reason in doing what you do to adopt. The amount of paperwork, interviews, investigations and legal proceedings is unbelievable and I can't imagine it being worth it for those reasons to adopt.
Myth/Perception #4 - "Parents/families can't/won't love adopted children the same as biological children."
My Truth #4
Parents do love children the same. I know you say that can't be proved. So, if you don't take my word for it, that's fine, but I along with many other adoptive families do not feel any different about the children that came to us by way of adoption. Does that mean prior to making the decision to adopt some don't worry about that? No. We all are human and have humanly fears. Some of the most important pieces and processes of adoption is asking yourselves the hard questions and being truthful with yourself as well as the social worker when the time comes. This helps us determine if adoption is truly the best route to build our family or not.
Myth/Perception #5 - "Adoption can take years up years."
Truth #5
While adoption can take years upon years, there are plenty of exceptions and variances. Whether domestic or international these variances occur. They are varied, mostly, as to what kind of situation and child you are open to. Unfortunately, with domestic; race can make a difference. If you are open to biracial or African-American children your process can go quicker. If you adopt privately and you have a higher income you may be selected by a birth mother quicker. Sometimes, in domestic adoption, whether you're looking for an open adoption or not can make a difference. With both, if you are open to unknowns or known medical issues your adoption could go quicker. From our experience, medical made a huge difference. The 1st time our wait time was supposed to be 8-14 months. We were called for our daughter's referral at 4 months after our home study was completed.
The 2nd time, our wait was supposed to be 6-12 months. We knowingly and purposely went into the waiting child program. We knew we would just wait for a child that was deemed special needs by Korea and were not looking for a 'perfectly' healthy child. In our minds; that doesn't exist anyways. We were called with her information before our home study even left for Korea. We had, literally, no wait. With our 3rd adoption, there was no wait at all. Since we were not planning on any other children and they called us with one of our daughters' brother, we hadn't even started. So it was like being in negative time. He was the only one that was a so-called 'healthy' referral for us. Today, adoptions from China and Korea can take 2 years or more from start to finish. Our longest was 1 year from start to finish and our shortest was 2 months start to finish.
Myth/Perception #6 - "Adoption agencies only care about their bottom line."
My Truth #6
I'm sure some do only care about their bottom line and not the children to be placed. We have used 3 agencies, personally, and have never felt that way. Especially, with our 2nd adoption. When we went through the waiting child program we had to fill out an in-depth questionnaire regarding her needs and how we were prepared to handle all of the possibilities stemming from those needs. On top of this we had to formally be interviewed to determine if we were a fit for her. Key words being 'we were a fit FOR HER'. It was definitely all about her. I'm thankful for upstanding agencies.
Myth/Perception #7 - "Adoptees have no need to be told they're adopted."
My Truth #7
In my opinion, as well as many specialists in the psych field, they do. They should be told the truth and not be ashamed of being adopted. By withholding this information there is the perception to the child that the parents or family are ashamed of their adoption. Here in the United States, there is little reason to hide it since adoption is a very acceptable way to form a family. With international it's fairly obvious...in a lot of cases, but not so much with domestic. That doesn't make it any less necessary. I actually ran into a woman in a store who had a son for Guatemala. I quietly told her he was beautiful and she said 'thank you, I haven't told him he was adopted yet, so I appreciate you being quiet'. He was like 5.
Myth/Perception #8 - "Birth parents are bad because they didn't keep their child."
My Truth #8
While, I'm sure there are some that exist, who placed their child for adoption purely for selfish reasons, I have trouble believing that they are the majority. These women bring these children into the world because either they're too late for abortion or can't fathom the idea. And they decide that the best thing for their child is a loving and stable home. I guess, I personally, cannot find anything to negate the love my children's birthmothers must have for their children. For whatever reason they were in the situation they were in and chose to make the best decision they could at the time.
Myth/Perception #9 - "When you pay thousands of dollars to adopt a child you are buying that child."
Truth #9
First of all, how would anyone like to be regarded as a human asset? My children are not my property. They are my children. When we pay fees, we know exactly where they are going. They are itemized by each agency. You have to pay so much for a home study, post placement, legal work, etc. by that agency. Then you also pay a fee to the foreign country. The fee to the foreign country uses those fees to care for the children you adopt as well as others who may not be adopted. You pay for legal work overseas, health care, stipends for foster mothers, etc. These are the majority of what international adoption costs.
Please note that when I say ‘My Truth’ these are strictly what knowledge I have gained after participating in groups of adoptive families, speaking with adoptees and being in the process for adoption for 8 years. I have also been an adoptive parent for 7 years. I do not have in-depth knowledge of domestic policies, so unless I state that specifically, most of this applies to international, as that is the world I live in.
Adoption can be a very positive experience. If you educate yourself and go into it as open-minded as you can. I can’t imagine how closed my world would be today without my 3 youngest blessings.
If you have questions about the ‘truth’ of adoption and I can answer it, I would be happy to. If I am not knowledgeable enough to do so I will inform you of that as well. Please feel free to leave a comment with your question. If they are too personal, I will respond as such to protect my children.
My husband and I have been thinking about adoption because we have a very slim chance of success with in-vitro with ICSI. If we do adopt, I would prefer to adopt a Korean or Korean/White baby since I am half Korean and my daughter is actually 3/4 Korean. My husband and I have stable jobs and have the means to care for a baby. I have no idea how to start the process though or what costs we should expect to be associated with such an adoption. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Since you have gone through three adoptions, I'm sure you would have a wealth of knowledge to help steer us down the right path.
Thank you.
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