Through life things change and our lives aren't what we thought they'd be; for better or worse. As you go through life, at any age, you could and probably will experience loss of some type. Loss doesn't have to always be a person. Sometimes, it's just the loss of your life as you knew it. One thing I knew well before we adopted was how important grieving is for a human being. Grieving doesn't always make sense or come at the most opportune times, but you must deal with it and let it happen when it does.
I remember a couple of years ago as I was walking to work on a nice Spring morning, April 5th to be exact. My whole body was overcome with this emotion that I was unsure of. I remember everything inside filling up like a bottle with fizzing soda rising to the top and I just began to sob. I couldn't, for the life of me, think of why I was crying. It wasn't a bad morning, nothing had happened. I composed myself, got over it and went into work. With in about an hour I had to write the date down. As I typed in "April 5..." I realized it was the day we lost our first daughter. You see, even if I didn't consciously realize this was the day she was taken from us my subconscious did. I thought about her all day. This was just a couple of years ago, so I had 4 great children and everything to be thankful for. I thought back about that day and time and how sad and awful it was and thanked my daughter for watching over us afterward and her, now, 5 siblings.
When Brian had his accident, there was, obviously, no preparation. I was in fight or flight mode for the first several months as we figured out our new lives. I just did what I had to do and we got through everyday, a day at a time. The 1st 5 months of that year I was in the ER three times with someone in my family. Cole had his appendix out, which wasn't that bad by itself, but couple that up with vacation planned four days later and Chelsi having a seizure on that vacation on the interstate in Florida and it was traumatic. I don't think you know what to do with all that. I remember sitting on the roadside in Florida after I pulled off the interstate as she was experiencing her seizure and we were waiting on the paramedic and crying as loud as I could and begging Him for mercy. I had had too much. I couldn't take anymore or at least that's what I felt at that exact moment. As Chelsi sat, strapped in her carseat, in a postictal state I begged for her to be alright. I yelled that I couldn't take anymore. This was the first time I had really let my feelings out that year. I felt so much better as we were in the ambulance, enroute to the hospital, and she moved a little. I was finally okay again.
When our lives settled in the second half of the year all those bottled feelings came flooding through. I reassessed my life and finally began to grieve the changes; mostly Brian's. It was so necessary to grieve. It may come months or years later, but it's a stepping stone to not be missed.
Just as our children must grieve when they leave the homes they know to be with their forever families, all people must grieve their familiar losses.
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